Relationships can benefit from a good ’spring cleaning.’ It gets rid of the clutter.

Why not toss out things you’ve been stockpiling? You could chuck misunderstandings. Hurl your hurt feelings. Donate anger and resentments.

Even small misunderstandings will lead to hurt feelings. Someone says or does something (or neglects to say or do it.) The other person takes it personally. Feelings get hurt. Anger takes over. Before you know it, resentment begins to creep into every nook and cranny.

And your relationship gets de-railed.

This is exactly what happened between Allison and Terry. Allison found herself getting upset whenever Terry came home later than agreed upon.

Allison would worry and the anxiety would build. By the time Terry walked through the door, she blasted all of her stockpiled fury. Right between the eyes. She recited a litany of all the times it happened.

Even when Terry attempted to call if he was running late, Allison acted hurt. Even when he made sincere attempts to arrive at the agreed upon time, Allison acted as if he was behaving badly yet again.

Finally she gathered the courage to talk with Terry directly, honestly and sincerely. She told him how hurt and disrespected she felt each time he was late.

When she put words to her feelings Allison began clearing out her built up resentment. She discovered space was opening up. Enough space where she and Terry could bring positive feelings, respect and energy back into their relationship.

Think for a moment about how much space resentment takes up. Sometimes there is barely room for connection or intimacy.

Clearing out resentments creates the space we need to renew respect and get back on track.

This goes for work relationships too. The roadblocks to successful relationships are the same: Feeling rejected or the fear of rejection. Feeling misunderstood, disappointed and not appreciated.

A key to productive relationships is mutual respect. Sure, we all have style differences. However we don’t have to let this lead to relationship problems.

Instead of feeling threatened by differences, why not create space to honor them? Why not make an effort to respect others even though they may think or act differently than you do?

Feeling accepted and respected by others is vital to productive work and personal relationships. But what if you don’t feel this acceptance? Non-acceptance feels like disrespect. In other words we tend to translate feeling ‘dissed’ translates into feeling rejected.

It’s especially painful to feel dismissed or discounted or dispensable. Rejection hurts. We tend to collect these kinds of hurts. We pile it into containers. We store it up in the form of resentments.

So how can you get your relationship back on the respect track?

Here’s a tip that works for both personal and professional relationships: Rather than continuing to be put off by your partner’s or co-worker’s ‘ways’, try to find something you really respect about them. Granted this may be a whole lot harder with someone at work.

Do appreciate their smile, intelligence or sense of humor? What about their taste in clothes or colors? Once you can do that, try to focus in on this characteristic while you are talking with them.

When they see respect in your eyes they just might respond in kind. You’ll be amazed at how quickly the situation can change for the better.

You may even notice some respect coming right back at you!



By: Elayne Savage

About the Author:

Intimacy is all about connection–the feeling that you and your partner are kindred spirits. The hallmark of a healthy marriage or relationship is feeling close and attuned to your partner, but maintaining this connection isn’t always easy. Therefore, finding ways to enhance intimacy is a priority for all couples.

Self-intimacy: A prerequisite to interpersonal intimacy

You are probably in many different relationships: with acquaintances, friends, family, coworkers, to name a few. When you think about the relationships in your life, does your relationship with yourself ever come to mind? Probably not, yet this relationship is central to all of your other relationships.

Self-intimacy is the experience of feeling connected to all of yourself–the parts of yourself you naturally embrace as well as the parts you wish didn’t exist. This connection allows you to feel grounded–giving you an emotional center that anchors your experiences. This anchor has an important place in your relationship.

To get a better understanding of your relationship with yourself, reflect on the following questions: “How do I feel about myself? What do I like about myself? Dislike? ****? Which parts of myself do I find easy to accept? Which parts make me feel uneasy or conflicted?” Your answers to these questions reflect the type of intimate relationship you have with yourself.

Self-Estrangement: A block to interpersonal intimacy

Unfortunately, you may not have access to important parts of yourself. Why? Because you can dislike a part (or parts) of yourself so intensely that you deny its existence. Your denial doesn’t mean, however, that these parts do not surface in your relationship–they usually seek expression. When you ignore parts of yourself, you’ve left the realm of self-intimacy (a connection to yourself) and have entered the world of self-estrangement (a disconnection from yourself).

At one time or another we’ve all denied certain truths about ourselves, maybe with little consequence–truths that would make us feel vulnerable or ashamed, desperate or inadequate. However, when you’re in a relationship, the consequences of self-estrangement are always significant. Why? Because you can never fully hide from your spouse or partner.

When self-intimacy is the norm, you’ll be fully present and emotionally available to your partner. When self-estrangement rules your inner world, you will remain disconnected from yourself and your partner. Your relationship is robbed of intimacy whenever you close off aspects of yourself to your partner.

Self-estrangement in action:

The husband who cannot be vulnerable with his wife is self-estranged–he denies his vulnerable self. A wife who minimizes her outbursts is self-estranged–she denies her anger. The girlfriend who ignores her jealousy is self-estranged–she denies her insecurities.

For the last ten years, Chris has worked almost nonstop to become a successful attorney. His driven nature has served him well professionally and he recently made partner at his New York City law firm. To his dismay, Chris’s work-related success has always eluded him in his personal relationships.

Chris complains that he often feels distant in his marriage, despite his wife Kendra’s encouragement to be more open and share his feelings. Chris is estranged from any emotions that make him feel “weak” or vulnerable. It’s his inability to connect with these parts of himself that continues to block intimacy in his marriage.

Chris’s first step in breaking out of this self-estrangement pattern is to honestly assess his relationship with himself–in particular, the parts of himself that he wished didn’t exist.

Are you ready to assess yourself?

Rate yourself and your relationship intimacy:

Using a scale from one (no intimacy) to ten (very satisfying levels of intimacy), rate the intimacy in your marriage or relationship.

If your rating is relatively high (8 or higher), than you probably don’t struggle with self-estrangement. If your rating is relatively low (4 or lower), self-estrangement may be standing in the way of a deeper connection with your partner.

To help determine the impact that your level of self-intimacy has on your marriage or relationship, now rate yourself on the self-intimacy/self-estrangement continuum below:

Self-Intimacy—————————————————–Self-Estrangement

Pick a spot on this continuum that reflects how connected (or disconnected) you feel to yourself. Try to think about how self-connected you feel in general, since this may shift for you, depending on circumstances. If the spot you choose is closer to the self-intimacy end of the continuum, this means you feel grounded and are able to share yourself fully with your partner; if your spot is closer to the self-estrangement end, you feel disconnected and are unable to share yourself fully with your partner.

Rating yourself can feel a little daunting, so give yourself enough time to adequately reflect on these issues. If it does feel like self-estrangement is holding you (and your relationship) back from achieving the intimacy you desire, speak with someone who can give you support around this issue (your partner, a trusted friend or family member, a counselor). You’ve already taken an important step by assessing your level of self-intimacy.

Are you ready to build a stronger, more intimate relationship?

To receive FREE monthly tips on how to build the relationship of your dreams, visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”



By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.

About the Author:

Every couple hits rough patches. Some may even find themselves suddenly “skidding on black ice.” But whether the problem in the relationship is chronic, causing simmering resentment, or seems to explode like a land mine, almost every couple contemplates getting help at one time or another.

In a tight economy, the pressures that couples experience intensify. This can put you in a push-pull situation: Already strapped for money, you are faced with the additional prospect of paying for a service that has no guaranteed outcome. Yet you suspect that if you don’t get coaching, your relationship won’t survive. You have to weigh the immediate costs of professional help against the potential costs of a break up, including double rent or an additional mortgage, a forced sale of your home, moving expenses, attorneys, and additional childcare. Even if you aren’t married or don’t have children, breaking up isn’t just hard to do; it can be costly.

So how do you know when the right time for relationship coaching is? How do you know if it’s going to work? How do you know if your relationship coach/counselor is good?

Because each couple’s situation is unique, there are no simple answers to these perfectly reasonable questions. However, there are some things you can do to decide if relationship coaching is a good option and to maximize your chances of a satisfying experience. Here are 11 Keys for getting the most out of relationship coaching:



Don’t wait until you feel hopeless. Maybe you’re already at this crisis stage. In that case, don’t delay in getting help. If you’re on the fence about relationship coaching but think you want to salvage your relationship, consider this metaphor: When a scuba diver descends too quickly, her ears may hurt from the imbalance of pressure. At that depth, it won’t work for her to continue trying to relieve the pressure by swallowing. She must swim back up to the point at which the pain began, clear her ears with a good swallow or two, and then descend slowly, checking for pain levels periodically. Successful counseling is akin to the scuba experience. It is often a matter of finding the initial spot where the pain began. This is easier for everyone—coach and couple—if you don’t have so far to travel back or can’t even remember the last time you felt no pain. Crisis intervention leaves little time or energy for exploring the root causes of heartache, which may often include past relationships and childhood events. So, just as you wouldn’t let a physical wound fester without treatment, don’t ignore your emotional wounds.

Don’t use your coach as a referee. When couples are angry, they want someone to listen and see their side. That’s expected and reasonable. But don’t expect a good counselor/coach to take your side. That need can be met by friends who may commiserate out of sheer loyalty. A seasoned relationship coach knows that taking sides is counterproductive for the couple. She should listen to both of your feelings, fears, and complaints. She should then connect these to the deeper issues that precipitated your problems or even predated your relationship. A good relationship coach will provide you with useful insights (those AHA! moments), tools for communicating, and homework to raise your self-esteem, which often gets declines as a relationship deteriorates.

Don’t focus on being liked by your relationship coach. She’s not there to take sides; she’s there to help you find clarity, learn relationship skills, and develop higher self-esteem. If you try to be “teacher’s pet,” you may feel betrayed the first time your coach calls you on a behavior, which she will no doubt do if she’s any good. Don’t idealize her. Remember, when she’s not being paid to be the perfect listener and guide, she may not even be someone you’d like as a friend.

Commit to the process. Presuming you feel some “chemistry” with one another after the first session, your relationship coach will probably ask you to commit to a minimum number of sessions or length of time. If one or both people can’t make even a minimum commitment, there may not be enough elasticity in the relationship to make counseling worthwhile. If you have one foot out the door already, be up front with your coach. Don’t pretend that you are more invested in working on the relationship than you actually are or you’ll end up fighting the label of “the bad guy.”

Unless you have been abused, don’t threaten your partner with leaving during your counseling timeframe. If you’ve committed to three months of counseling, don’t walk in after three weeks and say that you’ve changed your mind. Give your relationship coach a chance to help you through at least one emotional abyss. I once worked with a couple where the husband threatened “the end” in the middle of every session (even though I asked him repeatedly not to do this). After enough of my calling him on his threatening behavior, he was willing to admit that his ultimatums made him feel a semblance of control. But he could also see that his threats fueled his wife’s distrust and provoked her in destructive ways. Once he stopped “crying wolf,” they both became more vulnerable about their underlying feelings and fears. From staunch enemies they grew (in just a few weeks) to become each other’s best friend.

Don’t withhold. If you have some big secret, there are many ways to handle this. Here’s how not to handle it: Don’t tell your relationship coach your secret in private and ask her to keep it from your partner. That’s poison for any relationship. If your counselor reinforces you in any way in keeping your partner in the dark, find a more ethical counselor. You don’t want to work with someone who colludes on secrets. How can you trust that she isn’t holding a secret of your partner’s that you would want to know? You’ve probably heard the saying, “We are only as sick as our secrets.” Your secret, be it about infidelity, credit card debt, or herpes, is already eating you up or you would have shared it with your partner. Because secrets reinforce our fears, they inevitably damage our relationships. Here’s what you can do if you have been keeping a secret from your partner: If you can’t imagine telling your partner outright, then go ahead and talk to your relationship coach privately. Tell her you need help finding the courage to share your secret. She won’t sugarcoat the consequences. Yes, you may lose your partner. But in my experience as a life coach, the relationships that almost certainly end are the ones where one or both parties had a secret they were unwilling or too afraid to confess. Think about it this way: You are afraid to tell because you are afraid of being abandoned. But the reality is that you are likely to be abandoned if you don’t tell. Why? Because your relationship is a mirror. If you are afraid of being abandoned, your relationship will mirror that fear in some way. If you think you are unworthy of your partner because of your secret, they will unknowingly mirror this back to you. Secrets set up a Catch 22, no-win situation. So you might as well offer the truth and find out if your partner can forgive you as you learn to forgive yourself.

Be truer to your values than to your fears. No one wants to be abandoned. But if you abandon yourself or your core values to keep somebody in your life, you will regret it. Most of us have done this at one time or another and know how bad we end up feeling about ourselves. Yet we sometimes try to “work around” our values in order to avoid loneliness or dissention. If your partner is behaving in ways that offend your moral sensibilities, speak up. If you try to talk about other, less sensitive topics in counseling when you are bothered by something bigger, you are wasting your precious time and money. Give your counselor an opportunity to help you honor your values and to explore your partner’s core values. Maybe your partner is behaving in ways that go against his/her own ethics and feels ashamed. If so, there’s a good chance that a relationship coach can help your partner realign with his/her values.

If you disagree with your coach’s interpretation, speak up. Even the best relationship coaches have filters based on their own life experiences. But a good coach doesn’t care more about being right than about the success of your relationship. While you don’t want to be rude, you don’t want to worry about objecting. You’re not there to coddle your coach’s ego just as she isn’t there to massage yours. She may disagree with your point of view and you may feel defensive. That happens. But you shouldn’t feel bullied, intimidated, or humiliated.

Don’t shoot the messenger. You may not like what you hear from your coach. But if it rings true, even if it bruises your ego, don’t blame her for doing her job well. Ignoring the truth translates to you and your partner suffering needlessly. Try to remember that a hard truth is better than a soft lie if your priority is a healthy, happy relationship.

Talk openly about financial issues. If you are wobbling about coming to a counseling session because of financial difficulty, let your counselor know before your next session. Obviously, it is respectful to give her time to think about how she wants to handle this. But perhaps even more importantly, she may make a connection between your financial difficulty and other issues in your relationship. Being truthful about financial stresses will help her put the pieces of your puzzle together in a way that could be quite illuminating as well as financially stabilizing.

Practice compassion. You might not be in counseling if this were already so easy, but if you can’t find any compassion for your partner’s emotional wounds or the fears that drive his/her counterproductive behaviors, it’s hard to move forward or find hope. Ultimately, the capacity to create a successful, intimate, joyful relationship lies in our ability to recognize and remember that everything that doesn’t look like love is simply a disguised cry for help. Your relationship coach should demonstrate enough compassion that it “wears off” on you. It is compassion that promotes healing, vulnerability, truth, and forgiveness. Although there are few promises that can be made about the outcome of your time in counseling, I guarantee that the more compassion you practice, the more satisfied you will feel about the experience.



 



By: Jane Straus

About the Author:

Are you in a relationship that is stagnant - a relationship that is not going anywhere? Maybe the relationship is in a rut and you are feeling the pangs of disappointment.

Life is full of ups and downs and two people should grow together, through these experiences. Some don’t! Some grow further apart. If you find yourself in a relationship that is going nowhere, it’s time to evaluate. If you don’t make changes, nothing changes. Soon you will be thinking about leaving, instead of mending what is broken. Before thinking of leaving, evaluate the relationship and find ways to get out of the rut.

Many relationships are repairable, but too often people are hasty and want to escape instead of figuring out what the problems are and focusing on solutions.

A relationship is shared by two people who are individuals. A healthy and nurturing relationship is about growing together within that relationship. It isn’t about just breathing the same air, but a true partnership. The two people in a relationship also need to grow as individuals.

Start by asking yourself…what do you want from your relationship? What are the core issues that caused the relationship to be in a rut and stagnant? Are the issues your issues, your partner’s issues or issues related to the dynamics between you and your partner?

You have to identify the problem in order to find the solution. It’s possible your partner may not be willing to work on solutions. That is a problem in itself. Your partner may not even feel there is a problem and is comfortable with things the way they are. The problems may lie within you and not the relationship itself.

Often people feel disappointed when their partner isn’t sharing the same interests with them anymore. They once used to go out and do things all the time. In my opinion, the feelings and issues go deeper. I don’t believe it’s about activities, but resentment, repressed emotions, feeling taken for granted and a breakdown in communication. The issues start slowly. Your partner may be tired one day and not up to going out with you. You take it personally. You may find a way to get back at them, totally misinterpreting why they didn’t go out with you. One simple thing can lead to a snowball effect until you and your partner are in a vicious cycle of resentment and discord.

You ignore the little issues because they don’t seem important enough to address because they are infrequent. After a while, they accumulate until you see a much bigger picture. The gap between you grows wider and wider - until you are in a stagnant and disappointing relationship rut. The communication becomes almost nonexistent.

How do you get out of a relationship rut?

When you feel unhappy in any circumstance, the first place to look is inward and then outward. Dig deep to find out if your unhappiness lies within yourself or if it truly is about the dynamics in your relationship. It’s possible your expectations of your partner may be too high. Look at your behavior in the relationship. Are you constantly complaining or nagging? Do you fail to communicate effectively? Does any part of your behavior push your partner away? Or…does your behavior suggest that which should draw a partner closer, but it isn’t working?

If you are happy in general and feel you are growing as an individual and your expectations of your partner are reasonable, then it’s time to look directly at the relationship.

Keep in mind…a relationship doesn’t grow on it’s own. If you feel your relationship is stagnant and in a rut, it’s up to you to speak out and let your partner know how you feel. Don’t attack. Speak calmly about what issues are bothering you. There may be simple issues that just bug you or issues much more severe. Whatever the issues are, they are making you feel you’re in a rut and need to be dealt with.

Be sure to let your partner know how much they mean to you. Be direct about what’s bothering you. If you feel taken for granted, say so and give details about what has made you feel that way. Again, without attacking. Remember…you’re trying to mend the relationship, not make it worse. Your partner may not even realize what they have done. Your partner may have issues of their own that don’t even have to do with your or your relationship. Offer to listen to what they have been experiencing and feeling.

If you feel you aren’t being given enough attention, let your partner know what you need. If your partner has offended or belittled you, let that be known and explain how their words make you feel. Once you explain, they should be willing to clean up their act and work toward the betterment of the relationship. If not, you may have your answer to where this relationship is going.

If you want to do more things together, come up with ideas and present them to your partner. Also, ask what they would like to do. Delve into your common interests and see how you can work them out to suit both of you. There are many activities and hobbies a couple can share and help their relationship thrive.

In order for a relationship to thrive you have to nurture it. The relationship, nor your partner can be taken for granted. Each has to behave in a way that draws you closer to the other. It isn’t about who is right, but about what it takes between the two of you to make the relationship right.

Recap:

* define what the issues are

* look inward to understand your own issues

* be honest and open with your partner about what is bothering you

* don’t attack the one you love. Be mindful with your words.

* be willing to do your part and mend what is broken

* behave in a way that draws your partner closer

* respect your partner’s feelings as well as your own

* don’t take each other for granted

* be careful not to allow the relationship to continuously get in a rut

One of the best ways of getting back what you need is setting an example for your partner, by your own behavior, toward them. Treat them with the kindness, respect, love, support, understanding and encouragement that you wish to be treated.



By: Katlyn

About the Author:

A compatibility relationship test in some ways should be mandatory for you before you get together in a relationship.

The reason I say this is because too often people make decisions without considering what the long term ramifications can be.

It is well known the divorce rate is very high in almost all countries of the developed world, let alone the number of people who separate after long term arrangements where they are not married, and therefore are not included in these statistics.

I’m sure avoiding marriage relationship problems would be achieved to some extent, if more people undertook a compatibility relationship test before proceeding to get together.

What often happens is people become infatuated or inspired with an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for each other, and go ahead with a marriage or relationship on that basis, without any compatibility quizzes.

It is not surprising when you have problems in your relationship if you go down that road as a consequence of that intense passion.

It is so important you are clear about their being a genuine feeling of love between you that a love compatibility test would show, before making any decision regarding the long term. If you are not sure, take your time.

It is not worth getting into a situation where you have committed yourself, and then have to deal with the hassles of handling relationship problems associated with ways to end relationships. A compatibility relationship test could be a way of checking where you stand.

There are so many relationship questions to ask when you find yourself in the situation of considering if you are going to establish an on-going committed relationship with another person, regardless of whether that involves getting married or not. It is so important you have a compatibility match.

People have different ideas about a whole range of issues in connection to marriage and relationships. If you are not clear about where you both stand in relation to a lot of these before getting together with a relationship test, there will be many basic relationship problems to deal with.

An issue such as monogamy, for example. I’m told it is not an uncommon *** relationship problem. Regardless of orientation, it is something each person needs to know where the other stands before embarking on a relationship.

A compatibility relationship test will clarify where each of you stands regarding such things as values, attitudes and beliefs. A serious relationship problem is inevitable if these matters are a bone of contention between you.

An example of this is that your values are very much aligned with having trust in relationships, and your prospective partner is the complete opposite, believing cheating in relationships is quite acceptable.

It would not work out very well if you got together and then discovered your partner thought along those lines. As far as I am concerned, it definitely would be a recipe for disaster and involve relationship commitment problems if your partner thought this way.

A compatibility relationship test would also reveal where each of you stands as far as integrity is concerned. If this is an important value for you, and you discover in a compatibility quiz test it is not for your prospective partner, run for your life.

Let’s be clear about it. To have integrity involves being honest and having strong moral principles. It means sincerity, truthfulness and trustworthiness are your life’s guideposts. Can you imagine the turmoil ahead if this is not a shared value and you would be able to discover this by means of a compatibility quiz.

Marriage relationship problems would also be inevitable if you have different attitudes. If you are an optimist and your partner a pessimist, forget about it, there is really no chance of a successful relationship.

If you have different beliefs, you may be a devout christian or a fundamentalist, and your prospective partner an atheist, a compatibility relationship test would let you know this.

Your approach to life would be very different, making it difficult for you to connect and this would affect your level of intimacy and communication.

The same can be said if you have different political affiliations. It is difficult to imagine how you would relate to each other at a deep level.

I am aware of several people where there are these relationship compatibility questions who have been married for a long time. I know they are not really happy, but they stay together, virtually leading separate lives.

If you dismiss the compatibility relationship test, and proceed with the marriage or relationship and there are all these differences, you are heading for a situation fraught with peril.

There will always be this underlying nagging feeling of discontent, that gnaws away inside you, and prevents you from ever experiencing joyousness.

This may become so much part of who you are, you can lose virtually all capacity for sustained peace of mind.

Staying in an unrewarding, stifling, or whatever sort of relationship it is for you, is a big sacrifice to make. There will be no acknowledgment of your achievement, nor awards or prizes.

Do the compatibility relationship test and take head of the results. You are now at a fork in the road of life, and the decision you make will have major consequences for the rest of your lifetime.



By: Leo L Ryan

About the Author:

You exist within a web of relationships. For instance, if your friend is going through tough times, you may find yourself feeling an emotional heaviness throughout the day, thinking and worrying about your friend. As this colors your mood, your partner may start to notice that lately you’ve been preoccupied and down. Since emotions are contagious, this will impact your partner in some way and her/his interactions with others may now be different as a result of what your friend shared with you.

How is this relevant to your marriage or relationship?

Your relationship exists within a larger social context, and your friends, coworkers, family, and even the society in which you live can directly or indirectly impact your relationship. Think of your relationship as one link on a never-ending chain of connectedness.

This was evident with two couples I recently coached:

A brief story of relationship isolation:

Tad and Wanda have lived together for a little over a year and during a recent coaching session, Wanda complained that “all of our friends seem to be getting divorced or breaking up. It’s depressing and makes me think there’s something wrong with me for trying to make my relationship work. When I try to talk to my friends about a fight I had with Tad, they just tell me to ‘find someone better-suited to you,’ or ‘relationships are overrated anyway.’ The whole ‘there are lots of fish in the sea’ mindset isn’t helpful when I’m trying to make my relationship work now.”

Tad and Wanda lack the couple-to-couple support that is vital for a sustainable, long-term relationship. They both struggle with feeling like the “oddball couple” in a sea of failed relationships (and they don’t have any single friends who are pro-relationship)—and both acknowledged that this was starting to negatively impact their union.

A brief story of marital support:

Molly and Jeff have been together for eleven years. Both are retired and have been active participants in their local community and volunteer for numerous causes. This involvement has offered them opportunities to develop friendships and socialize with other couples.

Molly joked that their friends “saved our marriage on at least two occasions” because of the support they offered Molly. She shared, “If Jeff and I are going through a difficult time, for whatever reason, I don’t feel alone. I have at least two other women I can talk to who have been through difficult times but they’re still happily married…I know I’m not alone in my struggles and that makes a world of difference. And I have a few single friends who are supportive of my relationship and committed relationships in general, even though they’re not in one now. All that encouragement among my friends really helps whenever I start to worry that the challenges of a romantic relationship might be too much for me.”

The need for relationship support

Couples love to hear about other couples who have successful relationships. Have you ever noticed how people in relationships are happy to learn that a famous couple is in it for the long haul? Many couples feel validated to discover that their favorite movie star or musician has resisted the temptations that come with fame and are committed to one person. Notice your reaction the next time you hear that people you know and/or admire are splitting up.

Couples root for other couples—there is an unspoken, cosmic connection, a sense that we’re in this together. If Brad and Angelina can make their relationship work, and your neighbors and friends can make their relationships work, you end up feeling more hopeful that you can make your own work.

Seek Out Relationship Support

Relationship support comes in many forms and the first step is to look in your own backyard. Make a list of all the individuals and couples you know and admire: family, friends, teachers, community leaders, local organizations or church members.

You might be surprised to learn that there are people in your life that have been married or together for a long time (and feel lucky to be with the same person). These couples can be an emotional resource for you and your partner. Would you consider asking them about their relationship, especially what has worked for them? Are you willing to seek their support when you (or your partner) need advice or guidance?

We all need relationship mentors—couples who have successfully navigated the complicated interpersonal terrain that comes with committed relationships. This doesn’t mean you should overlook friends not currently in relationships as potential sources of support. Often single friends who understand and celebrate you and your relationship can be a safe place to go to when you need a different perspective or just need to vent.

Don’t overlook the vast relationship wisdom that surrounds you.

Many couples like spending time with other couples. If most of your friends seem to be in dire relationship straits or your friends’ values regarding commitment differ from your own, you need to expand your social network—seek out couples you and your partner can socialize with, couples dedicated to making their own relationships work. The goal of expanding your couples-support-system doesn’t mean you have to abandon your current friends because they aren’t in a relationship or their relationship is in trouble—it means that you enrich your circle of friends to include those that believe in the benefit of a long-term, committed relationship and will help support you in yours.

It might seem like a paradox that you can be with someone you deeply love, yet still feel isolated. Often couples assume feeling isolated means there is something wrong with their relationship—while this can be an indication that there are problems that need to be addressed, it can also be an indication that your relationship is surrounded by negativity and a lack of support.

No matter how strong your relationship might seem, you and your partner do not exist in a vacuum. When you establish the goal of building a support network for your relationship, you have taken an important step in buffering the damaging effects of relationship-isolation.

Is your relationship worth protecting? Are you ready to make your marriage everything it can be?



By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.

About the Author: