Building a healthy relationship is such a worthy goal to have. So many people simply drift through life and the experience of their relationship suffers as a consequence.

 

 

 

They can be like two strangers living together, simply going through the motions of daily activity, without any real connection between themselves, and lacking any elements of a healthy relationship.

 

 

 

This can mean, a couple get together, and before they know it, they have children. Given the time and effort required to raise children, this is their priority.

 

 

 

Building a healthy relationship does not even come into the equation. Children grow up and leave home, and couples end up in the empty nest position where they wonder what to do with themselves, living in an unhappy marriage. There is no indication of any traits of a healthy relationship.

 

 

 

Before long grandchildren fill the gap. This is now their focus and life goes on in an accustomed manner, and any signs of a healthy relationship are non existent.

 

 

 

It is easy to identify people in this situation, especially as they get older. They are the ones you see in restaurants or cafes, sitting opposite each other with barely a word being said between them. They look lost and lonely.

 

 

 

Whereas when people have building a healthy relationship as their goal, their experience of life is totally different. It means this is their priority, everything else fits in around them. They see each other as someone special.

 

It means couples make time for each other, they do not allow the distractions of life, such as work and having children, take precedence over this primary concern.

 

 

 

They always communicate, knowing how the other is feeling and managing their life. They have meals together, and organize having special moments, such as going to the movies or the theater, and having time away together. They have a very healthy relationship.

 

 

 

Building a healthy relationship also means each person has total respect for the other. There is no place for nastiness, aggravation or resentment in such an arrangement.

 

 

 

These latter traits, are some of the characteristics of unhealthy relationships, that eat away at people, and can literally lead to ill health.

 

 

 

Not only that, people can just feel so awful generally, and many people get stuck in these situations as patterns are established,and they end up in an unhappy marriage.

 

 

 

It can make their experience of life very depressing. In my view life is too short to remain in such circumstances, especially when there are opportunities for building a healthy relationship.

 

 

 

They don’t know, or realize, they do have a choice. They don’t have to stay in these types of relationships. Alternatively they could see a professional to help them make the changes required to have the characteristics of a healthy relationship.

 

 

 

If a couple were to do that, it is crucial they be clear about their motivation in order for there to be any satisfactory outcome.

 

 

 

Other aspects of building a healthy relationship include acknowledging each person in the relationship is of equal status.

 

 

 

This means there is no one in charge in the relationship. It is a partnership between two equals. I realize there will be some who will disagree with this view based on beliefs you may have, according to your understanding of scripture, or whatever.

 

 

 

When I shared this view with a group of Mormons I was asked to give a talk to, I got a standing ovation in response.

 

 

 

When each person holds the same status, it follows there is no longer any room for set roles in the relationship, which is usually to the woman’s disadvantage with no signs of a healthy relationship.

 

 

 

Now the building of a healthy relationship is demonstrated by each person sharing in the domestic and parental responsibilities.

 

 

 

No longer, when men are involved in these activities, is it viewed as helping, which has an inference that it is the man helping the woman do what is viewed as her responsibility.

 

 

 

I’m sure you will agree with me, when we talk about building a healthy relationship in this way, it makes such a difference to how we all can experience life.

 

 

 

This is to everyone’s advantage. It is a true win/win. This leads to us all having a more satisfying, richer and fulfilling life.

 

 

 



By: Leo L Ryan

About the Author:

Anyone who has run a marathon knows about commitment. To compete, the athlete relies on extensive training and physical fitness. But when the initial enthusiasm wanes and the painful, long-distance realities grip the runner’s body, it is sheer dedication–commitment to completing what she started–that sustains the runner’s motivation as she reaches for the finish line.

A relationship is a lot like running a marathon. There are highs and lows, challenges and rewards, and times when you may want to give up–when it feels too difficult to continue. What will keep you on track and moving forward when your relationship hits the inevitable rough patch? Will love be enough?

Commitment: Your relationship lifeline

Commitment is a belief in relationship permanence and the understanding that at times your union will need a life-jacket to stay afloat.

When you and your partner are committed to the relationship, the union remains more important then your (and your partner’s) individual needs. Without mutual commitment, deep trust will never take root and intimacy will wither. When one person’s commitment is tenuous, the very fabric of the relationship is weakened. A lack of commitment reduces the buffer that holds relationships together during times of conflict and stress. Imagine living with the fear that periodic slumps in your relationship can cause your partner to bail.

Trust and deep intimacy will only grow in the soil of commitment

Commitment has a dual role in your relationship. You can view commitment as the vehicle to help deepen your love, and you can also view it as a safety net of sorts, a way to protect your marriage or relationship during the difficult periods that each and every relationship experiences.

Commitment allows love and intimacy to mature over time. Someone who ends a relationship because the excitement of new love has diminished misses out on the opportunities that relationships bring for individual and mutual growth.

Some erroneously believe that a commitment like “till death do us part” means foolishly locking yourself into a life-time of potential unhappiness. No one should commit to a relationship that cannot meet their needs. Your needs (and your partner’s needs) do matter and should be part of the overall commitment equation. But life and relationships are complicated, and there will be stretches of time when your partner does not meet your needs (and you will not meet your partner’s needs). Commitment is what will get you through those rough stretches, enabling each of you to get back on track in meeting each other’s needs once again.

All couples (married and unmarried) face an enormous challenge: How to stay devoted to one another throughout the life of your relationship, even when early enthusiasm and euphoria naturally wane.

Commitment is a very personal process. Unfortunately, for some it will mean blind dedication to a union that rarely meets their needs; while others eschew commitment and impulsively use the ebb and flow of happiness as the gauge whether to stay or leave. Both of these approaches are flawed. Ideally, commitment will remain in place as happiness comes and goes and your relationship finds its footing along life’s shifting terrain.

Commitment checklist:

Commit to ________:

…understanding that love grows and deepens over a lifetime

…acknowledging that all relationships go through ups and downs

…continuously working toward a meaningful relationship that will transcend momentary happiness

…working through problems with your partner (while resisting the temptation to get your needs met outside of the relationship)

…finding solutions that will keep your relationship moving forward

…compromising (even when you think you’re right)

…yourself and the relationship

Don’t commit to ________:

…anything that feels abusive

…always sacrificing what’s most important to you

…the idea that if your relationship requires hard work it means your relationship is flawed

…the mindset that it’s acceptable for your needs to continuously go unmet

One of the greatest challenges to commitment lies in the instant-gratification mindset–the idea that you deserve to have what you want when you want it. The settings to our pleasure barometer have been altered and humans are less willing to deal with frustrating circumstances or anything that feels like it stands in the way of immediate happiness. This poses a problem for relationships.

When you make decisions about your relationship based solely on the need to feel happy (all the time), you abandon commitment and the rich opportunities that are essential for your relationship to grow.

I invite you to think about what commitment means to you. What you are committing to in your marriage or relationship?

To discover many practical tips for a stronger relationship, visit Dr. Nicastro’s website at http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for his FREE monthly newsletter. You will also immediately receive two free reports that can help you build the relationship of your dreams.



By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.

About the Author:

No one can deny the benefit of preventive medicine. First of all, it’s often easier to prevent an illness than it is to cure it–that’s why you go in for your annual physical (or why you should). And we all can agree that feeling healthy is preferable to feeling sick. So looking out for potential illnesses before they take over your life is the reasoning behind the medical check-up.

But when was your last relationship check-up?

Everyone needs a Relationship Check-up…

Unfortunately, couples and couples counselors have not adopted the philosophy of the regular physical for relationships. Most often, the approach is to wait for problems to arise, persist, and then to seek help. To compound the problem, most marriage counseling is focused exclusively on the presenting complaint–this problem-centered focus often obscures any resilient aspects of a relationship that already exist, ones that might be used in a healthy way. This sends the message that couples should only seek counseling or give their relationship close attention when a crisis arises. Couples counseling is seen as a last resort, an act of desperation.

Shouldn’t there be an alternative to this approach?

The typical journey to marriage counseling:

Meet Joanna and Bernie—the “every” couple.

Like many modern-day couples who try to juggle numerous commitments and responsibilities, Joanna and Bernie have their share of stress. And this stress has taken a toll on them. Over time, their relationship has suffered.

Depending on circumstances, relationship problems surfaced but then seemed to disappear…only to resurface at some later point. As time passed, this pattern intensified and became more frequent, often with no resolution. The vitality and life that was once a part of their relationship started to give way to hurt feelings, then withdrawal and finally indifference. As their marriage became more painful, Joanna and Bernie started to channel their energies elsewhere: Work-related activities, parenting and/or time spent with family and friends supplanted the time that was once spent enjoying each other.

As unresolved issues continued to fester, the familiar relationship that once offered comfort and meaning was nowhere to be found. Beleaguered and hopeless, it became painfully obvious to Joanna and Bernie that marriage counseling was needed if they wanted to head off a divorce.

Couples often endure an agonizing existence for years before seeking help—and like a slowly developing medical problem, the more time that elapses before seeking treatment, the poorer the prognosis.

But what if Joanna and Bernie had been going for an annual relationship check-up?

Isn’t it possible that their marriage problems could have been identified early on and Joanna and Bernie been given the tools needed to tackle these issues?

Unfortunately, few options exist for couples who want to evaluate the overall health of their relationship before problems crop up.

When is a problem a “real” problem?

There is a level of decisiveness when someone is dealing with a physical aliment: if you develop a pounding headache that won’t go away, you call your doctor; when you injure your back to the point where you can hardly move, you see a specialist immediately.

This level of decisiveness is lacking when it comes to relationship aliments.

Some couples quarrel often and still have strong relationships; however, conflict can signal the start of significant trouble for others. Some couples make love infrequently but still feel fulfilled and connected with each other, while for other couples, a lack of physical intimacy is a sign that help is needed. In other words, a problem for one couple isn’t necessarily a problem for another.

Would you call a counselor for a relationship check-up if you faced any of the following?

~Lately your marriage seems less fulfilling;

~You start wondering if this is all that love has to offer;

~Over the last few months, you and your husband have been arguing more frequently;

~You’ve noticed that your wife has been withdrawing from you and avoiding intimacy;

~When you have the choice, you prefer spending time with friends rather than with your partner;

~You find that you have no desire to make love to your husband.

If you answered “no” to the above question (whether or not you’d call a professional if you faced any of the aforementioned issues), you’re not alone. And quite frankly, your marriage or relationship might be fine in spite of any one of the above concerns. But then again, one of these observations might also signal that your relationship needs some attention. This is why ongoing attention is so vital for the health of your relationship.

What a Relationship Check-up Can Do for You:

A relationship check-up should focus on all aspects of your relationship—highlighting what is working well, each person’s unique strengths, how these strengths can best be utilized in the relationship, as well as any areas that might need attention so problems can be prevented. Couples can leave a relationship check-up invigorated and with a plan of action that will help them keep their marriage or relationship moving in the right direction.

This preventive medicine approach is a healthy alternative to “just putting up with” relationship problems before seeking help.

Are you ready to implement the preventive medicine model for your relationship? Dr. Nicastro offers a FREE relationship check-up by phone!

Visit www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com to schedule your free relationship check-up. And don’t forget to sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.



By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.

About the Author:

Knowing how to get what you want in life is important for you to be happy. If you are not persuasive in obtaining what you want, you may never get what you really want in life, or not even close to what you want in life. Here, we are going to talk about persuasive techniques, and how to get what you want in life. For some people these techniques are used in many relationships, in regards to your relationship, friendships, and in close relationships. Many times one or both people in the partnership will use them to get the things that they want out of the relationship. For the most part, these methods are harmless and only used when necessary.

What is so different about persuasion?

The power of persuasion is sometimes confused with manipulation. This act of directing someone to do something is not in his or her best interest or right for him or her is manipulative, but we want to discuss just being persuasive. Persuasion is a form of influence. It is the process of guiding people to reflect toward accepting someone’s views on a topic. It is a problem solving strategy and this is not going to rely on deceiving someone else. When you are persuading someone to do something, you are not using force or influencing harm to that person in any way.

Communication as a persuasive theory

For most people, one of the most effective ways of getting what you want is communication. Many people are using this method in the marketing and sales world along with their own personal relationships. Persuasion with communication has been around for many years. It is has also evolved over the past centuries and has become more effective for careers and relationships as well.

Using verbal communication is one of the best ways to get your point across no matter what it is. You want to make sure that you are using the right methods to get people aware of what you are after and how you can get it. Making it clear why something is so important to you and why it would be a great addition to your relationship. You will want to talk it over well so that you can get the proposal out on the table for both people to understand.

Negotiation as a persuasive technique

A negotiation is a process that can be made into three very important steps. These steps are very crucial in many of the marketing and sales careers in the world today. Not only is it important in the world of marketing it is important in any relationship as well. It is important to use these negotiation skills we have learned in many of the relationships that we have today.

Not only are they important in the world of love relationships it is also a very good method for friendships and family relations as well. You have to plan and prepare for this method of persuasive technique. You need to make sure that you are completely prepared so that you are giving the full method of negotiation. You need to learn about the other person’s negotiation style and you need to be ready to take your position. You need to ensure that you have a smooth negotiation. You need to be prepared with your proposals when you are discussing any topic with a business partner or in a relationship.

Set the Tone

You need to firmly state your position and explain your interest based on needs. You should do your share of exploring so that you can make sure that you are giving good reasons behind the reason for your plea. You do not want to create a conflict when you are trying to negotiate with someone. You need to develop a creative alertness without loosing focus on what it is that you are after.

After the negotiation

You will want to make sure that you are recapping the conversation that you are using for the negotiation with your partner or special person in your life. You want to make sure that you do this so that you may get a better outcome from the persuasive technique. You will want to take the time to review each of the elements and maybe the next time you can make some improvements to your negotiation techniques.

Method of Influence

The method of influence is another way to get what you are looking for out of a business or personal relationship. The definition of influence is the act of getting compliance without using force. You do not have to force your opinion on someone to get what you are looking for. In fact, the power of influence is so effective that you may not have to use much of this technique at all.

You can use your influence to affect people in your life. You want to use your method of powerful thinking to get where you want to be and what you want from any type of relationship whether it be personal or business related. You want to use your power of influence to create value with a relationship that you are trying to get what you want from.

This form of persuasive technique is going to be one that is not easy. You will have to show the person that you want to persuade why your influence is so important and what you can do to make them understand what it is that you are after. You can use this way of creating an idea so that they can see and understand what your needs are and why they are so important to you. In most cases, this is a form of persuasive technique that will get results that you are looking for and it is a harmless and useful.

The persuasive techniques are used in more and more relationships today and in some cases, they work easier than others. It is important to remember no matter what you are trying to do, you need to be truthful to the person or people that you are trying to persuade. There is no reason to lie or manipulate anyone to do anything. With these powerful methods of science, you can get what you want from any relationship honestly.



By: Mailcucan

About the Author:

You know, a relationship crisis is an incredibly painful and emotional experience, and it is no surprise that most women who are caught in this emotional upheaval do more to harm their relationship than help it! When a person is faced with this unfortuitous turn of events, heartbreak, frustration, and fear drive their actions, and they inadvertently destroy their relationship. The best thing you can do in a situation like this is take a step back, take a deep breath, and clear your mind! This will prevent you from harming the chance of saving your relationship!

 

Let’ examine the four things you shouldn’t do, then I’ll tell exactly what you should do!

 

1. Telling him that you’ll change to save your relationship

Reassuring him that you won’t; complain anymore, be controlling, won’t lie, be jealous, or have another affair never works. You see, all of the talking is over at this point in the crisis, and actions will have to speak louder than words. What you’re really saying when you tell him you’ve changed is; give me my way because I don’t really care what you want. This will only cause him to pull away from you and will hurt your chances of saving the relationship. You see when it comes to saving a relationship actions really do speak louder than words! If your relationship has reached a point of crisis, there isn’t anything that you can say that will turn it around. So, you may as well save your breath!

You see, your partner has been asking you for a change and you haven’t given him one! The only way to turn your relationship around is by proving that you changed, and not by saying you have. Forget about who’s right or wrong. I’m sure your partner did several things to harm the relationship, but if you want to focus on blaming him, you will destroy your relationship. There’s an old saying; “Being happy doesn’t always go along with being right!” So, do you want to be happy, or do you want to be right? If you want to be happy focus on proving that you have changed and watch your partner change him self!

2. Saying that you love him to save your relationship

Telling your partner over and over again that you love him is like saying that you want something different than what he wants. He wants to pull away and you want him to come closer. There’s a reason that he is pulling away, and what you’re doing in essence is ignoring his needs. Saving a relationship is not about forcing the issue, it’s about attraction! Love is really a matter of attraction since you can’t force someone to love you, can you! You partner pulled away from you because you haven’t been fulfilling his emotional needs, and your fears and insecurities have been causing you to damage the relationship. So, telling him that you love him will only push him further away. If you want to save your relationship refrain from saying I love you at this point. Instead tell him that you agree and understand why the relationship isn’t working! That’s right, agree! I’ll show you exactly how to do this towards the bottom of this article!

3. Trying to change him to save a relationship

Plodding, pleading, and arguing with him in an attempt to get him to change never works. In fact, it is actually counterproductive to saving a relationship and is the quickest way to destroy it. Let’s get one thing perfectly straight; YOU CAN”T CHANGE HIM!!  No matter how hard you try, you can’t change him, and attempting to do so will destroy your relationship. Only he can change himself! Now that you realize this critical case in point, your chances of saving your relationship just went from slim to probable!

4. Acting out of desperation to save a relationship

Desperation is not attractive to anyone, and when you say I love you please don’t leave me, what your really saying is that I have very little self-confidence. Your sending a message that you know the world is full of good looking men, but you can’t see that and you have very low self-esteem. Saving a relationship is all about showing your partner the confident woman he’s always wanted. Your partner wants a woman that makes him feel like a man. He wants a woman that displays confidence or feminine grace. When faced with infidelity in a relationship most women think their man just gave in to a moment of sexual desire, or that it’s just the way some men are. However that’s not it at all! Other than sexual addiction being involved, 99% of the time it is because his emotional needs have gone unmet. Is committing infidelity wrong? Of course it is, but if you want to save your relationship being desperate or unconfident will not help. As a matter of fact, it will destroy it.

 

Ok, that’s what you shouldn’t do, and now here’s what you should do!

 



Step back, take a deep breath and clear your mind!



 

 

 



Draft a statement of agreement and present it to your partner! (see example below)



 

 

 



 Focus on renewing yourself and proving that you have changed!



 

 

 

 

The following statement of agreement is based on a relationship where the partner blames and resents his wife for being verbally abusive and controlling, which has caused the crisis to escalate to the point of separation.

 

Her Statement of Agreement

 

I have been thinking about some things and I want you to know that I agree with you and I understand. I know that there have been times when I have been verbally abusive and have said things to you that I shouldn’t have. I also know that because of my own fears I have been very controlling in our relationship. Never wanting you to have any friends, and always being suspicious of where you are and what you’re doing, even though you’ve never given me a reason to feel that way. I know that you have asked me for a change and I haven’t given you one, so I honestly don’t blame you for feeling the way that you do. And, I don’t blame you for wanting the separation! I just wanted to tell you that I understand.

 

Give these techniques a try; you may be shocked at your partner’s reaction!

 

Best wishes,

 

David Roppo

The Relationship Rehab Coach

 

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By: David Roppo

About the Author:

3 Ingredients to Successful Relationships – Anil Salick

Last week, my wife and I celebrated our 10th year wedding anniversary. It feels like just yesterday that we stood in front an altar and pledged commitment and vows.

I admit that I believed in the one sided illusion that marriage would mean sweet happiness, joy, bliss and continuous elation. Alas! We learn through experience that it’s needful to have a bit of both…keeps us sane and balanced.

Successful relationships: husband-wife, parent-child, manager-employee, friends, brother-sister and all inter-personal relationships are based on fundamental principles that when honoured produce desired results.

What matters most? Here are my views on the three most important ingredients for successful relationships:

1. Love

That feeling of compassion and tenderness, of intending no harm but protection, nurturing and giving is essential to form as a cornerstone. Love is spoken of in every religious and wisdom literature as the supreme principle and purpose to our being.

Love is more than emotion. Love is a verb, it’s a doing word. Our actions, especially the little ones, matter. Further, love can be viewed as a commitment that stands in spite of conditions: unconditional love. How many of us are approving of others when they comply with our standards, and disapproving when they don’t. Genuine love for another means we accept them exactly as they are; live and love in the present and allow this to be the catalyst for the change we seek in another.

In practice this means: Stop trying to change others. Love them exactly as they are. Beware when we love conditionally. Don’t let our self-righteous behaviour deceive our inability to love fully sometimes.

2. Trust

Trust is achieved when those involved in a relationship are trustworthy i.e. worthy of trust. Whilst we may and could love, we may not trust.

If relationships are like an arch formation composed of many stones, the most important would be the keystone. It is the centre piece on top which keeps the feature together. Trust can be likened to the keystone. Take out the keystone, and the entire arch crumbles.

Trust is earned. Trust is the greatest form of motivation. Every effort to improve ourselves is an effort at developing a high level trust in an inter-personal relationship.

3. Shared Values

Each of us has values that we choose to live our lives by. People have different values. Winning relationships require parties to understand and respect the values of each other. The values of another should be as important to us as it is to them. How else are we to understand and satisfy their needs and wants? (Only in sales training are we taught to understand (qualify) the values and needs of our customers and find customised solutions to satisfy the need.)

Research tells us that relationships based on sound values are stable and enduring. Shared values triumph in the long run over physical appearance, status, money and other immediate and gratifying needs.

May we consider the relationships we have with another. Maybe it is a true principle: ‘My relationship with another with you has got nothing to do with you. Your relationship with me has got nothing to do with me.’

Everything points back to us.



By: Anil Salick

About the Author: