When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl

You don’t need me to tell you about the dire state of the American economy and the reverberations being felt around the world. While you’re probably well aware of how this is directly impacting your bank account, home value, and nest egg, there is a hidden casualty that doesn’t seem to be getting any press:

Marriages and relationships are buckling under the stress of these uncertain, stressful economic times.

Money is a sensitive and complicated issue for many couples. Arguments and power struggles can easily result and couples often feel blindsided by how a once strong relationship can be pulled apart by conflicts over finances. Here are five steps you can take to help your relationship survive this economic crisis.

1. Make the decision to keep your relationship a priority

It is easy to lose sight of the importance of your relationship during tough economic times (or during any stressful period). Many loving couples lose their way when worries about job security and money begin to take center stage in their relationship-intimacy is temporarily compromised when you or your partner become overwhelmed by fear; the very bond that supports your union can be weakened when your fears become a mainstay of your relationship.

Becoming conscious of this danger is essential to the health of your marriage or relationship. Make it a habit to check in with each other and acknowledge the importance of your relationship-you both need to make a conscious effort to help your love transcend the hurdles you face. With a little planning you and your partner can create “no-worry-zones” throughout the day–protected moments where you both give one another permission to only think about each other, about the positive aspects of your relationship. Think of these as temporary pit-stops that can allow you both to refuel the relationship.

Remember, if you’re anxious about money and/or job security, it will take effort and practice for you to be fully present with your spouse or partner in these moments.

2. Acknowledge and accept changing roles

We all play different roles in our relationships (and in our lives). For instance, you might be the “go-to person” during times of trouble; or maybe you’re the joker who makes everyone smile.

Often changes in family income bring about changes in the roles that were a natural part of your relationship-the bread-winner who took pride in supporting her/his family may now have to apply for unemployment (or take two jobs just to make ends meet); The full-time parent may now be forced to leave the children in someone else’s care and search for work. Beyond defining us as individuals, many of our assumed roles give particular meaning and value to our lives-and we can feel shaken at our core when stripped of these roles.

Share your struggles with your spouse/partner and supportive others if you are having difficulty transitioning into a new and unwelcome role in your life.

3. Find new ways to connect and enjoy one another

Your income and resources may change drastically during a financial crisis-or you may live with chronic anxiety that your finances can drastically change at any moment. Money that you originally allocated for vacations, dining out, gifts and other leisure activities may suddenly be needed to pay the mortgage or rent, be used for food, and utility bills (or saved for future expenses). Your relationship needs to change with the changing tides of your finances.

The challenge is for you and your partner to seek out new ways to connect and enjoy each other without the constraints of limited finances. You’ll need to adopt a new mindset for this to occur and you’ll each need to sacrifice. As your inspiration think of the starving artist or broke college student who are able to create meaningful relationships despite being financially destitute. Try to forget the trappings that money brings and head back to romance basics: holding hands, long walks, movies, games (is anyone up for charades?), making each other laugh…brainstorm together on how to have inexpensive, low- to no- cost fun.

4. Learn to ask for help/seek support from each other

Denial and stoicism aren’t useful, especially if you’re feeling overwhelmed and anxious. Unfortunately, some couples keep their collective heads in the sand and act like it is business as usual until something drastic happens-well, something pretty drastic is happening, so now may be a good time to get your head out of the sand.

All too often couples don’t share their fears with one another-this is especially the case for men. It’s so common it’s become a cliché: the stoic male who’d rather not talk about his feelings (especially emotions that make him feel helpless and not in control); the male who doesn’t access his partner for support but instead pulls away and attempts to deal with problems by himself, leaving his spouse/partner feeling isolated, confused and alone. And, while this pattern is more typically seen in men, there are women who also withdraw in the face of stress.

There’s no way to sugarcoat this: It’s dangerous for you and your partner to begin withdrawing from each other-you’ll now be faced with the anxiety of a troubled relationship on top of everything that’s playing out across the global economy.

5. Understand how you each cope with stress

Lack of financial security creates anxiety in all of us. As your anxiety level escalates during these uncertain times it becomes easy to displace your reactions to stress onto your partner.

No matter how healthy your relationship or marriage is, it is common for conflict to escalate when you and/or your partner are under stress. Ideally couples will learn to rely on one another to get through the difficult times that are part of every life. The reality, however, is often different.

A brief example of how financial stress negatively affected Vince and Karen:

Vince recently lost his job as a systems analyst at a large insurance company. In order to make ends meet, he needed to find work quickly and took a job making significantly less money. For the first time in their marriage, money was extremely tight. Rather than seek out Karen for support, Vince became more withdrawn and began to feel inadequate as a husband–his self-esteem is tightly wrapped around his ability to support his family. Confused by her husband’s behavior, Karen began to confront Vince about his “bad attitude.” Repeated conflicts replaced the once peaceful terrain of their marriage.

Part of the problem for Vince and Karen (as well as for many couples) is that they each have very different coping styles when faced with stressful life events. Vince withdraws and ruminates (rather than seeking support from others) and this triggers a fear reaction in Karen who begins to worry that their marriage is in trouble.

Is there a solution to this dilemma?

Become mindful of each other’s coping style

Often a marriage or relationship is damaged not by the stress itself, but by the way in which you and your partner cope with stress. The more information you have about how you both deal with the pressures of life (your typical patterns of coping), the more understanding and empathy you will have for one another during relationship rough patches.

Is your relationship worth protecting?

Visit StrengthenYourRelationship.com and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”



By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.

About the Author:

Patricia Love, Ed.D. and Steven Stosny, Ph.D. are contrarians in the book How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (2007). Instead of endorsing traditional talk therapy methods for improving relationships such as, well, “talking”, they offer a more behavioral approach based largely on psychological differences in the genders as gleaned from research and their vast clinical experience. Early on the authors assert that couples “are not disconnected because they have poor communication; they have poor communication because they are disconnected” (p. 5). I have reread that sentence dozens of times sensing the paradigm shift this statement represents.

The cross cultural nuances of this approach appear to be fertile ground for investigation and clearly the bulk of the material is based on western heterosexual couples in monogamous relationships; still, many of the concepts may find transparent translation. Seasoned therapists and laypeople alike are likely to find some enlightening if not challenging concepts presented in a straight forward manner. Love and Stosny assimilate reams of scientific literature in the area of gender, human development, biochemistry, and romantic relationships. In order to increase readability there are few sources cited; this may leave some mental health professionals wanting.

According to the authors, men’s shame and women’s fear are the primary emotions that can lead to a breakdown in romantic relationships. When men perceive, often out of consciousness, that they are not adequate they may avoid or attack. For example, if a man hears complaints or criticisms from his partner he may feel a deep sense of inadequacy which then leads to withdrawal or aggression. Males also tend toward hyperarousal beginning at birth as evidenced in infant boys’ overstimulation during continuous direct eye contact. A man may react to his partner’s rough day at work with a kind of emotional flooding. He is unlikely to “hold a space” for his partner and would prefer to dive in and fix the problem. If this is not an option or does not work then isolation and withdrawal keep his interpretation of personal inadequacy squelched.

Women fear isolation, harm, and deprivation. To defend against their fear females build emotional bonds and use the coping mechanism of tend and befriend. The male equivalent is fight or flight. The prescription for men and women is to understand the vulnerabilities of their partners to fear or shame and to reduce the ways one might trigger these emotions in their partner. The best remedy for fear and shame is connection and plenty of concrete suggestions for increasing connection are offered.

Consistent with the tangible no-nonsense suggestions offered in this book, each partner should ask themselves if his or her action is moving the couple toward or away from a connection. Couples are advised to create a loving routine instead of relying on the quick fix of something like a fantastic vacation. Love and Stosny do not require the reader to do psychological gymnastics to find relief for relationship angst. The protocol for improving a relationship without using words is simply spending more time in the approach mode than that of attack or avoid. Do what brings you together.

There is a chapter titled “Man to Man: How to Strengthen Your Relationship Without Becoming a Woman”. Men are taken to task in this chapter and it even includes an assessment instrument dubbed The Wimp Test. By quarantining this material from the rest of the book the authors send the message (without overtly stating this) to couples that they should not keep score or ruminate on all the ways their partner is unfair.

In conclusion, this book is an easy read that offers a common sense approach. Regardless of your theoretical approach you are likely to find stimulating concepts and you may well integrate new tools or perhaps significantly modify to your overall approach to counseling with couples.



By: Victor Wiesner

About the Author:

A happy relationship is one of the best things life can offer; it is difficult to maintain lasting happiness. Unsolved problems can ruin your life; good feelings will be only a memory. Relationship counseling can help to have lasting harmony, truly resolving your problems. Relationship counseling can also teach you how to keep love and appropriate feelings alive, for the rest of your life.

You must do something for you, for your family, to bring happiness back into your house. Relationship counseling teaches you to work through relationship problems, to keep your love, harmony, happiness and trust alive. You can build and maintain a truly rewarding relationship with powerful tools. There are some key tools to help you maintain your relationship healthy, and strong.

Powerful tools to maintain a healthy and happy relationship

Relationship counseling can help you to learn the key tools to make your life better; difficult times can lead your relationship to disaster. You must learn how to prevent or resolve your present and future problems. You must know how to build respect, trust, harmony, and understanding.

With committed relationship counseling, you will change things, no matter how troubled your relationship is. Relationship counseling can teach you how to make the positive change you need how to resolve relationship problems and build a rewarding relationship. To save your relationship you must take action as soon as possible and have the relationship tools you need today; therapist specialized in relationship counseling say the a committed relationship counseling offers powerful key procedures to expand happiness and harmony.

In short time you will discover a great difference in your relationship, a spectacular change with the guidance of relationship counseling. Therapist can be a source of wisdom; they can help you to build the relationship you want. Couples can succeed in their relationship; they can have clear directions, powerful strategies and tools to make their relationship back on track.

There are also web sites for relationship counseling; all sorts of people can face problems in their relationships. Things can be changed; many resources are available through Internet or in many relationship counseling offices. Good relationships with your partner or family members are vital for your life, resent and future. Relationship counseling will help you to manage every situation constructively, listening, encouraging and helping people to reach their decisions about the best tools to use to strengthen your relationship in the future.

Relationship counseling will always help you to deal with difficulties.



By: Helen Leman

About the Author:

It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences ~Audre Lorde

In the beginning there were similarities…

Early in your relationship, you and your partner probably rejoiced when you discovered shared interests: “I can’t believe you like foreign films too–it was such a downer that my last boyfriend said he shouldn’t have to read his movies!” And when gaping differences happened to peek through (you’re a devout meat eater and he’s a strict vegetarian), you abandoned your previous convictions with glee (”I can’t believe you’re a vegetarian. I’ve been thinking of giving up meat for the last thirteen years but it never seemed like a good time–until now!”)

Love propels you to create similarities where none exist.

Intimacy (the emotional, physical and, for some, spiritual connection couples share) is effortless when relationships are new. You feel like you can talk for hours, you experience intense passion, and you want to spend all your free time together.

And as the relationship progresses, you may find yourself minimizing the fact that your once-communicative partner now prefers television to talking or that the frequency of lovemaking continues to decline.

And then there were differences…

If you and your partner have been in the relationship for more than two years, you’ve come to realize that there are differences between the two of you. Since you’re human beings (and, like snowflakes, no two are alike), there’s no way around that fact. However, you can be different and still be compatible. Hopefully, you and your partner are compatible in the areas that matter to you both–core values and life goals.

The good news is that certain differences can actually be beneficial. For instance, what’s difficult for you might come easy to your partner–her/his personality complements yours: she’s talkative/you’re quiet; you’re playful/he’s serious; she’s a saver/you’re a spender; you’re shy/he’s outgoing; you’re nervous/she’s calm…

Unfortunately, differences can also fan the flames of conflict. For instance, the quietness you once described as “charming” can someday frustrate you to no end–especially when it takes all your emotional energy just to get your partner to have a conversation.

The importance of accepting differences

Couples often enter counseling with a long wish-list detailing why and how the other person should change. These may seem like reasonable requests, but often real change doesn’t happen because the couple is attempting to close the gap on the inherent differences that define each person–differences that were not obvious or that they overlooked early in the relationship. Such futile efforts (trying to change the unchangeable) merely work to build resentments and break apart intimacy.

An alternative solution is to work toward accepting the differences that exist. The art of acceptance is essential for a healthy relationship. Acceptance should be an essential part of your relationship toolbox, along with your (and your partner’s) willingness to compromise and negotiate.

The payoff to the road of acceptance is a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

5 Points to remember about acceptance:

1. The most important step is to cultivate a mindset of openness. You cannot move forward unless you make a daily, conscious effort to open your heart to all of your partner–even the parts of him/her that you wish didn’t exist.

2. There are as many pathways to intimacy as there are people walking the earth. Differences between how you and your partner achieve intimacy are just that, differences. They do not imply right versus wrong–so suspend your judgement.

3. Acceptance is not submissive complacency. In essence, you are allowing yourself to co-exist peacefully with all that you cannot control in your relationship.

4. Working toward acceptance doesn’t mean you have to blindly accept everything about your partner that you find troubling and never challenge your partner to improve. Relationships are about compromise and change. If there is something your partner can change that would improve the relationship (i.e., quitting smoking), you should encourage that.

5. Acceptance and appreciation go hand-in-hand. When you begin to accept all the different ways in which you and your partner experience and express love, you have taken the vital step toward appreciating your partner’s uniqueness.

Developing a mindset of acceptance is a process–with starts and stops. The solution to moving forward is to become mindful each time you fall into a judgmental mindset. With practice, you will embrace the inherent differences that make you and your partner unique.

Are you motivated to build a stronger, more rewarding relationship?

Visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter. Each month you’ll receive tips on creating the relationship of your dreams.

As a BONUS, you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”



By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.

About the Author:

At the foundation of any marriage and family is a core relationship. Relationships can be difficult for many people - particularly when they are not comfortable communicating their feelings, when they feel unsettled when others are upset with them and when there are kids involved. For them, when there are challenges in the marriage, marriage counseling is often the most effective way of recognizing and working through the difficulties.

With marriage counseling, both spouses are able to sit down, to talk and to have the chance to be heard. Therapists who specialize in marriage counseling will be there to facilitate the conversation, to ask questions, to encourage active listening and to help both spouses to more comfortably express the hurt, anger or frustration that they are experiencing.

Unfortunately, the emotional toll of a conversation or an event can be particularly high. Within relationships, the emotional strain is something that can build over time - especially when both parties involved have trouble discussing the way that they feel or the event that prompted the response.

In marriage counseling, however, many couples find that they are in a better position to open up and - more importantly - to feel heard by their spouse. While it can be uncomfortable to start talking, while hearing the details of what hurt a husband or a wife and while it can be difficult to talk about emotions or situations that are painful, having those conversations in the setting of marriage counseling can ease some of the strain.

Marriage counseling, while it can dramatically improve relationships, is not just a matter of meeting with someone who will “fix” the problem; marriage counseling is a process of improving communication and ultimately of uncovering past hurts so that they can be worked through. Despite the fact that these hurts have often been buried, despite the fact that sometimes the event that has caused the hurt may be long in the past, marriage counseling can serve to uncover the underlying issues and to work on rebuilding communication and trust as well as a strong foundation for moving the relationship forward.

In part, the reason that marriage counseling works in many relationships is simple: marriage counseling works because it helps couples to acknowledge the hurts and frustrations, to work through the anger and to communicate with one another. In part, marriage counseling works simply because it enables both parties to express themselves and to feel heard by one another.

Communication is often difficult - especially when both parties either believe that they are in the right or there is a sense of not wanting to hurt the other person in any way. In marriages, a lack of communication can have a number of negative effects on the relationship; marriage counseling can serve to repair the damage and to reopen the lines of communication.

With marriage counseling, what many couples discover is that the biggest problem that they have faced is a lack of communication that has led to a lack of trust. What they learn during marriage counseling is the ability to communicate - something that, over time, allows them to improve the relationship on the whole. acp13243546ch



By: Sig Yanosway

About the Author:

There aren’t too many things better than a peaceful sleep, right? You’re comfortable, you’re safe, you’re getting important needs met. But what happens when you’re sleeping so soundly that you inadvertently crush an arm for a while? The crimp in your circulation jolts you into wakefulness with the sensation of thousands of tiny needles. You’ve hit an overnight rut. Before you can enjoy slumber again, you have to massage life into the limb that was stifled by smothering stillness.

There’s not much better than a happy relationship, right? You feel comfortable and safe with each other, you’re getting important needs met. You have relied-upon routines that give structure and personality to the life you’ve created together. But what happens when, over time and initially without you even noticing it, some of your dual routines feel lifeless and still? What if they start to cut off the circulation to the rest of your relationship? What if, like that errant limb, part of your relationship has fallen asleep? You’ve hit a relationship rut. Getting over it might take a little more ingenuity and focus than rubbing a tingly arm or shaking pins and needles out of a leg, but it’s well worth it for the longevity of your union.

Undoubtedly, sleep is a good thing for your body. Even when you crush a limb because you’re in such a deep sleep, it’s still a good thing and you don’t decide to swear off sleep because that might happen again.

Likewise, relationship routines are good things. And rituals, as one facet of relationships, create a rhythm and predictability that allow for a sense of security. You don’t abandon rituals and resign yourself to an ever-shifting landscape of chaos because you found yourself in a rut.

Relationship Ruts

We all fall into relationship ruts. This doesn’t indicate anything about your relationship other than it is normal. It’s how you handle the ruts that might be a predictor of your relationship future. Do you shrug them off and accept boredom as the status quo? Or do you decide to bring back that mutual vitality you once thrived on?

A relationship rut occurs because one of your relationship routines is starting to squeeze the life-blood out of your marriage or relationship. It may be that a particular routine only affects a small portion of your relationship. But, like that newly numb arm, it may be all you notice for a while. You need to wake up that part of your relationship that has grown lifeless. If ignored for too long, the boredom and numbness is likely to spread to other parts of your relationship.

Is it really a rut?

The first step in shaking life back into your relationship is to locate ruts in your relationship. Just as feeling sad once in a while doesn’t mean you suffer from depression, being bored with your partner or with the things you do with your partner doesn’t mean you’re stuck in a rut with him/her. Boredom is something we all feel from time to time, and fleeting boredom with aspects of your relationship doesn’t signal a rut. Further, all relationships go through low points, especially if you and your partner are dealing with a great deal of stress.

A true rut usually grows slowly and will be experienced over an extended period of time. If you and your partner feel like you’ve had a boring few days, that doesn’t mean you’re in a rut. But if you’ve been bored silly each weekend for the last six months (and if you’re starting to dread time off from work), it is likely that your weekend routines have created a relationship rut.

Climb out of the rut

As long as you’re willing to find time, energy and creativity, relationship ruts are generally easy to fix.

With your partner, make a list of all the relationship routines that give both of you comfort and create a sense of safety. This list might include: eating dinner together each evening, going to the gym, renting movies every Sunday, visiting extended family…and so on. Discuss why these routines are special. What about them makes you feel safe and secure with your partner?

Then make a list of all the routines that you and your partner have grown tired of. These are the routines that are causing part of your relationship to fall asleep. When you identify routines that you both agree can and should be eliminated from your lives, do so. Unfortunately, some of the routines you identify as problematic might be necessary or fall under the category of “life maintenance tasks.” In that case, brainstorm ways in which you might make small changes to make them feel different on some level.

Remember: even small actual changes can make a big perceived difference.

For example, you and your husband visit your husband’s mother every Saturday. You don’t feel very close to his mother (she doesn’t seem to be fond of you), but, rather than insist your husband make these trips alone, you’ve accompanied him. However, these visits are contributing to what you’ve identified as a relationship rut. They mean too much to him to give up, though. Try shortening the visits by a half hour and institute a post-visit, playful, mutually satisfying routine. Perhaps there’s a restaurant or museum or miniature golf course on the way back that you both agree to try. And then the focus of the day isn’t just on your mother-in-law, but the time that you and your husband spend together in a shared activity.

Go back to your list. Now brainstorm a list of all the activities that you and your partner would like to add to the relationship. Choose something on this list and try it for several weeks. The activity should be fun and easy to execute. If it’s not mutually gratifying, it shouldn’t become part of your dual routine repertoire. Also, remember to mix things up a bit: rotating activities will imbue your relationship with the new life it needs and will help you avoid getting stuck in a future relationship rut.

Find out how to create the relationship of your dreams: Sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s free Relationship Toolbox Newsletter at http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and immediately receive two FREE reports that will help you achieve your relationship potential.



By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.

About the Author: