Improving Relationships

Through Active Listening Skills

M. Sreenivas

M. Rajendra Prasad

The most important aspect of communication lies not in the speaking, but surprisingly in the listening. This is because that all perception is subjective and every word that we hear is filtered through our personal beliefs and values. Consequently, we can place an emotional meaning on an exchange that is unintended by the speaker.

Communication is a two-way process. However, whereas the speaker assumes that the listener is hearing what he intends to say, the listener has the power to clarify meaning and control the exchange. Unfortunately, people often are only half listening to a conversation and are distracted by other things. When they are listening carefully, they are biased in how they hear. No wonder, then, that interpersonal communication is a major problem area for people. We all have different ways of looking at the world and different experiences, which can interfere with how we “read” another person and interpret what is being said.

Communication problems are one of the biggest sources of relationship conflict and they can become so serious that complete relationship breakdown results. Often people don’t listen attentively to one another.

Active listening is not about agreeing with someone, it is simply about understanding what the other person is trying to say. It is a structured approach to establishing true understanding in communication yet it can be conducted in a relaxed and informal way so that it flows naturally from the conversation itself. It involves listening, questioning and rephrasing to ensure that the message received is the same as the one intended to be given.

When we decide to listen actively to someone’s words, we are choosing to be objective and distance ourselves from our own automatic responses. The way we hear someone, can have more to do with us than with the other person. Active listening, therefore, promotes both focused attention and objectivity.

Active listening is the process of focusing on what the speaker is saying and then saying it back in one’s own words to ensure that accurate communication has occurred.

There are clear benefits to using active listening skills to enhance interpersonal communication and minimize conflict.

1. Active listening requires that you actually pay close attention to what the other person is saying. You cannot half listen to someone and at the same time be thinking of something else and expect to understand the other person’s intentions. So by practicing active listening you choose to deliberately focus your attention on what someone is saying and how they are saying it.

2. It helps to avoid misunderstandings. The very practice of expressing back to someone what you believe they have said and even how you believe they are feeling about the topic can prevent misinterpretation.

3. It encourages openness and trust because the genuine intention of the hearer is to actually understand the intention of the speaker.

4. It encourages mutual understanding. A listener who is practicing active listening can also mirror back to the speaker the emotions that they think he or she is conveying by their words, attitude and body language.

5. It can be used for all forms of interpersonal communication.

6. It can improve communication in the workplace and thus enhance your career.

7. It can also be used to enhance personal relationships at all levels. You can learn active listening skills easily and improve them by practicing. The benefits of doing so will be enormous.

Interpersonal conflict involves a great deal of miscommunication. Each party can contradict the other person’s interpretation of words and events while being equally confident that they are right and the other person is at the least mistaken, and at the most a liar. It is no wonder that such attitudes trigger defensiveness in the other person causing them to either fight back or stop trying.

The way that we perceive other people and what they are attempting to communicate to us is central to the success of our relationships. Once we understand that as listeners we have a large part to play in the success of the communication process, we realize the power of active listening to improve our relationships and change our lives. When both parties to a conversation commit themselves to the process of active listening, conflicts can be resolved and relationships can be strengthened.



By: M. Rajendra Prasad

About the Author:

Everybody wants himself to be in good relations. No one wants to be in a bad relationship, but few of us are given the tools to fix relationships that aren’t working. What follows is an in-depth but extremely effective way creating a healthy relationship, one step at a time. However, healing your relationship means that you’ll have to review how you’ve contributed to the problem - and what you need to do fix it.

First you should find out the reasons why and what is going bad in your relation. Try to diagnose the problem instead of placing blame, creating anger.

Like healthy relationships, bad relationships are born, fed and nurtured into becoming what they are. Therefore, in order to fix a bad relationship, you must first look at how you’ve contributed to the problem as well as accept responsibility for your actions, intentional or otherwise.

Everyone has self-sabotaging behaviors. Whether or not your relationship succeeds depends on how well you are able to identify them, review the reasoning behind them, and conquer them.

You need to adopt some new ways of thinking, being and doing, and are now ready to start putting your work into action. It also means finally taking stock of both you and your partner, and what each of you needs and wants in a healthy relationship.

Try to reconnect with your partner. Always remember you don’t need to talk about the past discussions which went through last time and which became the reason of your relations getting bad. Now you have to concentrate on the situation in a positive way.



By: sunshine01

About the Author:

Most relationships are very exciting in the beginning but if you have been in your current relationship for awhile already you may have noticed that the initial excitement you experienced is starting to waiver and you and your partner may be settling into a dull routine. As a relationship progresses one or both partners may be guilty of settling into complacency and may not strive to keep the element of excitement in their relationship. The following are a few tips for ensuring that your relationship stays as exciting as it was in the beginning.

Never underestimate the value of spontaneity in a relationship. Too often relationships lose their excitement because the mates fall into a routine that becomes boring as time goes by. Dont be afraid to suggest new activities in your relationship or to try new things on a whim. Being spontaneous doesnt have to involve big decisions it can be as simple as picking up something new at the grocery store and trying a new recipe for dinner. Whatever you do, just let your instincts take over for a minute instead of relying on rationality. Anything you do that is spontaneous may not work out as well as if you had planned out every last detail but just go with the flow and youll find your relationship taking a turn for the better.

Exploring a new location together is another way to bring the excitement back into your relationship. Whether you plan an elaborate trip to an exotic location or just take the bus to a nearby city that you have never visited your adventure together will help spice up your romance. Take your time exploring the new location and enjoy the foods and atmosphere that the new place has to offer. Exploring new cities can help bring the thrill back to your relationship.

Still another way to spice up a waning relationship is to sign up for an instructional class together such as a cooking, dancing or pottery class. Working together to learn a new skill will draw the two of you closer as you strive to accomplish a goal together. A class will enable you and your partner to interact in a new way. This new interaction will help to pull you out of a rut.

Spending a night at a hotel is another way to restore the excitement in your relationship. Intimacy is very important in a relationship and if you and your partner have found that this aspect of your relationship has lost its spice, its time to shake things up a bit. Choose a romantic hotel, preferably one with a cozy restaurant. Begin by having a wonderful candlelight dinner in the restaurant and then proceed to the room that you have reserved. Setting the mood with candles and dim lighting is also suggested. A night in a different location such as a romantic hotel will go a long way towards rekindling your intimate relationship.

Another way to bring the excitement back into your relationship is to set up a date night. While you may see each other daily and even go out to dinner every Friday night, setting up a date night outside of your usual schedule will enhance your relationship. Dont just schedule a night to go out to dinner but treat each of these date nights as if they were first dates. Go all out getting yourself dressed up and take special care in your appearance. Prepare for your date night as if you were really trying to make a good first impression. Going out of your way to have at least one night of fun and romance a week will help add a little zing to your relationship.

Giving your mate gifts for no reason at all is another way to get your relationship back on track. You may have lavished gifts on your partner early in the relationship but as the relationship progressed you may not have done so as frequently. Small, meaningful gifts given just to make your partner happy will let them know that they are still always on your mind just as they were in the beginning of the relationship.

The simple act of holding hands can also add excitement back into a relationship. This intimate gesture conveys a sense of security but it also lets your partner know that you want to be close to them at all times. Many couples hold hands everywhere they go early in a relationship but dont do so later on. Try grabbing your partners hand as you are out running errands together. They will be touched by the sentiment and will be happy to be sharing a sense of closeness with you again.

A kiss is still another way to bring the excitement back into your relationship. You may have gotten into the habit of giving your mate a kiss on the cheek or a quick peck on the lips when you see them after a long day of work. Trying kissing them with passion the next time you see them to catch them by surprise and really let you know not only how much you love them but how attractive you find them as well.

Having a common interest can also promote excitement in a relationship. If there is an activity that you both enjoy doing, make it something that the two of you do together often. For example if you both enjoy hiking make plans to go hiking every Saturday morning and each time you go out make it a little different by exploring a new location or setting new goals for yourselves. This will give the two of you a chance to reconnect while enjoying each others company. Having a ritualistic activity that you and your partner enjoy together creates closeness and intimacy that can help put the excitement back into your relationship.

Offering your partner a massage when they are worn out and tired can also bring the excitement back to your relationship. A massage can be a very sensual and intimate experience. Additionally offering a massage lets your partner know that you can see that they are stressed out and exhausted. They will appreciate your putting them first in the relationship and this will help bring back the excitement in your relationship.

Over time a relationship may lose some of the excitement that it had in the very beginning. While this may be troublesome it is also completely normal and also reversible. Noticing the lack of excitement in your relationship is the first step to restoring that excitement. It may take a little work but with a few simple actions you can be on your way to an exciting relationship.



By: T J Madigan

About the Author:

Michelle has many friends. They call her often. She also has a devoted family. Michelle is only alone when she chooses to be, and she is never lonely. This has always been the way for her. Since childhood, she has never lacked for companionship.

Karen has just the opposite experience of life. She makes friends but loses them quickly. She seldom contacts her family, mainly because they often argue about small things. Loneliness is habitual for her. Even when she is with other people, she feels lonely because she can’t feel a connection with them.

Ramon is shy. He opens up to people slowly and sometimes likes and trusts them. But he is never quite sure of his relationships. He wants to reach out more but is never quite sure of other people. He is often lonely, but sometimes enjoy wonderful companionship. Unfortunately these moments of bonding are not frequent and he spends a lot of time reminiscing on true friends who have since changed or moved away.

Some people live in a loving world. They are surrounded by family, friends, and well-wishers. They move in circles of affection that seem to expand over time.

Other people live in a hostile world. They spend lives full of broken relationships, forsaken trusts, and tarnished hopes. They lose touch with people quickly. They win new friends slowly, if at all.

Most people live in-between these worlds and many times they’re not sure how they stand. The world to them is a shifting place, where boundaries blur and orientations change. They never quite feel comfortable in it. It’s unpredictable. They embark on each relationship with doubt. Hesitation defines their world.

Now, the funny thing is this: it’s the same world.

The world and it’s people does not happen to us. We happen to it. We impact it silently with our thoughts and feelingsand obviously with our words, actions, and attitudes.

How do you move from a world of isolation to one of companionship?

Perhaps a song from The Sound of Music written by the unforgettable Oscar Hammerstein can clue us in.

A bell is no bell until you ring it, A song is no song until you sing it, And love in your heart Wasn’t put there to stay - Love isn’t love Until you give it away.

You get from isolation to companionship by giving yourself away. You turn potentiality into actuality through self-sacrifice. Yet you never lose or have less because what you put out comes back to you multiplied.

Those who live in a loving world are natural givers. They give of their time, talent, and treasure. Others respond to them in kind.

Those who live in a hostile world oppose everyone and share little of themselves.

While those who live in a doubtful world wait in vain for others to warm up to them.

You choose, with every interaction, the world you live in.

Reaching out and touching someone’s life in a positive way can be as simple as a smile.

When you give a little of yourself, you receive much more in return. It’s a simple little secret that can brighten up the world and your life.



By: Saleem Rana

About the Author:

(Excerpted from “Invisible Blueprints”)

“Love alone

can unite living beings

so as to complete and fulfill them,

for it alone joins them by what is deepest in themselves.”

-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Of all the themes of literature written over the ages, love has probably served as the perennially dominant theme. When many of us contemplate that blissful condition of romantic love, our minds turn to the prospect of a soul mate, that perfect partner who mirrors or complements us perfectly?and we aspire to be in a soul-mated relationship. What is the “soul mate” connection? How do we find our soul mate?

First of all, I’m not sure that there is only one answer to either question. As I have looked at soul mate relationships, I have gotten widely divergent information as to the feel of the relationship. One consistent characteristic I have gotten with many soul mate relationships is a strong sense of partnering, whether in the work they were doing together or in a general sense of their being partners in life. Another quality I have gotten is comfortableness, two people feeling very at ease with each other.

Often I get that the relationship itself is easy—that it doesn’t have to be continually worked at. I have also seen soul mate relationships in which the partners feel completely understood by each other. Some soul mates really spark and stimulate each other’s energy, so that they both feel “charged up” and activated. I’ve also gotten with some soul mates that they “have danced together before.” The phrase “dancing together” appears to be a metaphor for how their souls interact, as there’s always the sense of a higher and quite beautiful connection.

Another phrase I’ve gotten is “children in the garden.” This phrase always conveys a beautiful quality to the connection, as if it was the innocence deep within them that resonated, so that there was a very pure quality to their connection. Hence, two “children in the garden” in a very pure and innocent state of relating to each other, protected by their innocence and unsullied prior to any “fall”? often creating their own lovely, untarnished world together.

In still others, there’s a sense of feeling more complete when together, as if their energies had something similar with which to resonate or the deepest parts of their essences could now be expressed, understood, and welcomed by the other. I have also seen an equality of energies in many soul mate connections.

In many relationships there is a hierarchy, whether expressed through power in the dynamics of the relationship or whether denoting a higher level of personal development. In many soul mate relationships, however, there is equality both in interaction and in personal development, with no question of one person wielding more power over the other. And, as mentioned above, the two partners may be stimulating each other’s growth, but the sense of partnering outweighs and transcends any difficulty stemming from a learning aspect.

On a soul level, I have gotten various expressions of connectedness ?from soul mates who felt like twins, to two halves of the same whole. I’ve seen others who complement each other’s energies completely. I’ve seen still others whose connection feels vertical and high, as if they fit together completely on several levels. In some, there is a feeling of huge energy together and in others, a complete fit.

One consistent theme is that of complete resonance, but not a resonance of the inauthentic stuff. Instead, it is a resonance of each one’s essence, the true selves resonating harmoniously and completely. This attribute has implications for how we find our soul mate.

I have seen some consistent things with regard to finding one’s partner. The first has to do with lessons learned through learning relationships. You’ll recall that learning relationships are those that teach us lessons in growth. One lesson from learning relationships I’ve seen consistently has to do with discernment ? in knowing what we want in a relationship and in our partner (separate from any superficial considerations of appearance, income, etc.) — e.g., how we want to feel in a relationship and what internal qualities we want the other person to have. Conversely, this discernment also allows us to know what we don’t want, whether external habits (substance abuse or inconsideration, for example) or internal attributes (e.g., emotionally closed off or self-absorbed). Difficult learning relationships can often — and sometimes rather emphatically — teach us what we don’t want in a partner.

So discernment can be an important factor in finding a soul mate; until we are clear about what we want and do not want, we will usually settle for what presents itself.

I have seen instances of people wanting to be in a relationship so badly that when they met someone they were attracted to, they disregarded the problematic qualities of the person or the problem areas of the relationship. Wanting badly to be in a relationship can lead us to be in a state of denial about any red flags we see – those undesirable or inappropriate qualities of the object of our affections. As a result, the relationship will often not be terribly pleasant. However, it may simply be a necessary learning relationship, to teach us about discernment or finding peace and fulfillment in being alone.

The advantage of going through a series of such learning relationships is that we’ll often get to the point where we’re so burned out from the relationship problems that we’ll resolve not to get into another one unless it feels totally right. This enables us to move past our “relationship at any cost” stance to the more desirable position of knowing what we want — and what we don’t want. Thus, these lessons in discernment move us closer to being ready to connect with our true partner with whom we can truly and purely resonate, while we also strengthen enough in ourselves to find the peace and ease in being alone when need be.

I have gotten the information consistently that some clients will be ready for their true partner only after they have recognized, claimed, and embraced their true selves. We’ve all heard the maxim that “you can’t really love someone else until you learn to love yourself.” Put another way, we can’t be truly open to someone else until we’re completely open to ourselves. And this is often a prerequisite to being able to belong with our soul mate. Our soul mate often appears for some of us only after we have cleared some of our stuff and are more in touch with what our true essence is.

For others, the prerequisite to finding their soul mate may lie in external, rather than internal, change, in that their true partner may appear when they cease trying to do what others expect of them and start living their lives in a way that reflects who they really are and what they really want. I will often see this latter aspect expressed in the area of work or career. For these people it is frequently only after they have allowed themselves to do work that expresses both who they are and what their interests are that their soul mate appears. One of the reasons this is so is that even if they know who they truly are but are doing work that doesn’t express their true self, they are still living somewhat inauthentically. The soul mate often appears when their lives are more authentic and reflective of true self. In addition, expressing who we are through our activities can have the effect of strengthening us even further in who we innately are. This said, however, it is not always true that we must find a career completely resonant with our essence in order to find our soul mate.

I’ve seen cases in which the true soul mate appears before some of the primary inauthentic stuff is cleared — and I’ve seen two ways in which the client and relationship are affected as a result. I’ve seen some lovely situations in which the soul mate relationship was so positive, supportive, and healing that it actually served to stimulate the healing of one person’s emotional stuff (e.g., low self-esteem). In these instances, clearing the inauthentic stuff was not a prerequisite for finding the soul mate.

I’ve also seen clients who had found their partners, but the relationships were not going well or there were blocks to their being together, because one or both people had stuff to work through before the relationship could succeed, or even before they could be together. If there is a large amount of inauthentic “stuff” on the part of one of the partners that hasn’t yet been cleared, it may serve as an impediment to the relationship moving forward — even if the two are soul mates — and/or there may be problems in the relationship.

I’ve seen several cases of soul mates who were not yet together because one or both had personal issues to work on, and, interestingly, it is frequently the man who had issues to clear. This is perhaps so because of the general disparity between where men and women are in their lives and in clearing their inauthentic stuff. Because of the women’s movement, women have, generally speaking, worked on some of their stuff in the past twenty to thirty years — empowering themselves, becoming aware of and clearing their stuff, and becoming overall clearer in their vision. Men, in contrast, have largely not done as much personal work on themselves. This has created a real disparity between where men and women are on their respective paths. This disparity in growth has bled through to the area of romantic relationships. Fortunately, the fairly recent phenomenon of the men’s movement has started the process for men to begin to catch up.

Interestingly, I’ve also learned that we may often have an energetic rapprochement on some level before someone very significant comes into our lives. Not infrequently before two partners meet, they may communicate with each other on some level, whether consciously or unconsciously. I’ve known clients who started dreaming of their partners prior to their actually meeting physically. And I’ve known other clients who didn’t just dream of their partner, but were communicating with their partner in the dream state prior to meeting.

Two people who are strongly and closely connected, especially soul mates, will often start to move into each other’s energy fields before physically meeting. This will often happen shortly before they. Intuitives who can see or sense the aura or energy field will often pick up on this and see or sense the other person’s presence there.

A very little-known manifestation of this will be communication on the sexual level prior to two soul mates physically meeting. This can be experienced as strong and rather intense sexual feelings, coming seemingly out of the blue with either a sense of urgency or a sense that they’re coming from someone else “out there.” Time and distance are no impediments to this happening and the two soul mates could be states or continents apart. This sexual communication will often be experienced as a precursor to the people directly communicating or even knowing that the other person actually exists. This is a very real phenomenon — and often perplexing to experience if you haven’t already heard about the possibility of such things occurring.

This preknowledge of the soul mate or significant partner coming in, whether in dreams, telepathy, or sexual communication, would appear to happen outside of our conscious volition. It may be initiated on other levels of our consciousness or may be the universe trying awaken us to the possibility, perhaps as preparation for actually meeting and interacting with our soul mate. I sometimes smile and consider “Cupid’s arrow” as causing the sexual communication, as it happens without either person trying to initiate it and would appear to be initiated by an outside agent. On the other hand, interestingly enough, this sexual phenomenon does not necessarily imply that the two people are indeed soul mates or are meant to be together either in person or throughout their lives. These phenomena may be heralding the arrival in our lives of someone who will simply affect us deeply for our own unfolding process.

There are other ways in which we may have knowledge aforehand, frequently quite unconsciously, of our soul mate, often expressed as foreknowledge of the attributes our soul mate will have, of the situation we’ll encounter with him/her, etc. We may find ourselves consistently drawn to various people who may all have one particular attribute in common; for instance, we may find ourselves in a pattern of being drawn to writers over and over again. Whereas patterns in our relationships may often signal an unhealthy pattern, herald issues we need to work on in ourselves, or simply represent a familiar pattern from childhood, this is not always the case. We may be continually attracted to writers, for example, because we’ve always had an unconscious intuitive awareness that our soul mate would be a writer.

Some people have an unconscious awareness of what their soul mate will be like or what situation may surround their relationship. This unconscious awareness can exist, I feel, because we choose our lives before we come into them. Although we tend to have a general amnesia about what we are to encounter and experience (so that we may indeed go through learning and growing experiences freshly), some people will retain some artifacts of awareness, on the unconscious level, of what the script for their lives will be — a scene, for example, or a face, a characteristic, or a career that will be connected to their soul mate.

We may feel that a soul mate relationship must feel a certain way. Interestingly, however, people who find their soul mates will often have varying subjective experiences of what the connection feels like. In some relationships people may feel more whole, engaged, or truly alive.

I have also gotten information about soul mate connections counter to what I had previously thought was true. I used to feel that we have only one soul mate and that this was the person we have been with from one lifetime to the next as our soul mate. What I have seen instead is that there are often several possible soul mates in existence and that we may be with one in some lifetimes and with others in other lifetimes.



By: Diane Brandon

About the Author:

To improve something is to make it better. To make something better is to improve its quality. To improve a relationship, increase its quality.

 

What is quality in a relationship? Two simple words: confidence, and togetherness.

 

Confidence is not the same as trust. Trust is often based as much on hope as on reason, and is lost for small reasons or no reason at all. One instance of poor judgment can break a person’s trust in another. Your guy goes to the track with his friends and loses the rent money. After that, you don’t trust him with the rent money. So trust is far too fragile to base a relationship on.

 

Confidence is knowing he will be there, with his strengths and his weaknesses for sure, but there. The thing is, confidence works in both directions, or doesn’t work at all. Fortunately, increasing confidence in one direction also increases it in the other. Which leads to the first simple step of improving a relationship: increase his/her confidence in you.

 

Improvements don’t happen all at once: they are made up of small steps in the right direction. Anyone can take these small steps to improve the confidence others have in him. By taking them, you automatically improve the quality of the relationship. Here are some of the small steps, some of the things you can do today, tomorrow, and every day.

 

Confidence is knowing she will be there, so her confidence in you is knowing you will be there. So be there. Physically, be where you say you will be when you say you will be. If she expects you to be home when she gets there, be there, or leave a note saying why you are not and when you will be back. It seems a small, almost unimportant, thing, but it is perhaps the most important of all in building confidence.

 

People are disappointed by many people every day. All you have to do is be the one person who almost never disappoints. It really is very easy. Just be there. This does not mean you are at her beck and call. It only means you are where you say you will be when you say you will be there. It means you do what you say you will do. It’s a goal to work toward, that anyone can get better at.

 

Togetherness is the other part of a relationship. Especially, being together and doing things together. No relationship will long survive fierce independence. Keep in mind, you don’t give up your freedom in a relationship — you add to it. Two people together are free to do far more than one person alone.

 

Togetherness grows not by demanding, but by offering. So here is the second simple step to improving a relationship: be willing to be together, even if sometimes it is not fun. Take it in small steps, perhaps by offering to go to the hardware store with him, or in the reverse, to go clothes shopping with her. Not only is this togetherness time, it is also a way to learn more about why he/she enjoys what it is you are doing with him/her.

 

As a practical exercise, to get you started, the next time she goes to the store, offer to go with her. The next time you go to the store, ask him if he would like to come, and tell him you would like his company. He/she may not want to, and that’s okay. But keep offering, keep asking. When you do get a yes, make it a together trip, not one of you being “dragged along.” Ask questions; let her show off her knowledge in an area you are not as familiar with. Make togetherness time a learning time. Mostly, you will be learning more about him/her.

 

Togetherness grows if you let it, but it grows even faster if you feed and water it. Learning more about his likes and dislikes, how he thinks, what he thinks about, how he acts in different situations, is the result of increased togetherness — and also leads to increased togetherness. All of which leads to a stronger, longer relationship.

 

These two simple steps, being there without fail and doing things together, will all by themselves improve the quality of any normal relationship as you do them more and more.



By: Don Dewsnap

About the Author: