Patricia Love, Ed.D. and Steven Stosny, Ph.D. are contrarians in the book How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (2007). Instead of endorsing traditional talk therapy methods for improving relationships such as, well, “talking”, they offer a more behavioral approach based largely on psychological differences in the genders as gleaned from research and their vast clinical experience. Early on the authors assert that couples “are not disconnected because they have poor communication; they have poor communication because they are disconnected” (p. 5). I have reread that sentence dozens of times sensing the paradigm shift this statement represents.

The cross cultural nuances of this approach appear to be fertile ground for investigation and clearly the bulk of the material is based on western heterosexual couples in monogamous relationships; still, many of the concepts may find transparent translation. Seasoned therapists and laypeople alike are likely to find some enlightening if not challenging concepts presented in a straight forward manner. Love and Stosny assimilate reams of scientific literature in the area of gender, human development, biochemistry, and romantic relationships. In order to increase readability there are few sources cited; this may leave some mental health professionals wanting.

According to the authors, men’s shame and women’s fear are the primary emotions that can lead to a breakdown in romantic relationships. When men perceive, often out of consciousness, that they are not adequate they may avoid or attack. For example, if a man hears complaints or criticisms from his partner he may feel a deep sense of inadequacy which then leads to withdrawal or aggression. Males also tend toward hyperarousal beginning at birth as evidenced in infant boys’ overstimulation during continuous direct eye contact. A man may react to his partner’s rough day at work with a kind of emotional flooding. He is unlikely to “hold a space” for his partner and would prefer to dive in and fix the problem. If this is not an option or does not work then isolation and withdrawal keep his interpretation of personal inadequacy squelched.

Women fear isolation, harm, and deprivation. To defend against their fear females build emotional bonds and use the coping mechanism of tend and befriend. The male equivalent is fight or flight. The prescription for men and women is to understand the vulnerabilities of their partners to fear or shame and to reduce the ways one might trigger these emotions in their partner. The best remedy for fear and shame is connection and plenty of concrete suggestions for increasing connection are offered.

Consistent with the tangible no-nonsense suggestions offered in this book, each partner should ask themselves if his or her action is moving the couple toward or away from a connection. Couples are advised to create a loving routine instead of relying on the quick fix of something like a fantastic vacation. Love and Stosny do not require the reader to do psychological gymnastics to find relief for relationship angst. The protocol for improving a relationship without using words is simply spending more time in the approach mode than that of attack or avoid. Do what brings you together.

There is a chapter titled “Man to Man: How to Strengthen Your Relationship Without Becoming a Woman”. Men are taken to task in this chapter and it even includes an assessment instrument dubbed The Wimp Test. By quarantining this material from the rest of the book the authors send the message (without overtly stating this) to couples that they should not keep score or ruminate on all the ways their partner is unfair.

In conclusion, this book is an easy read that offers a common sense approach. Regardless of your theoretical approach you are likely to find stimulating concepts and you may well integrate new tools or perhaps significantly modify to your overall approach to counseling with couples.



By: Victor Wiesner

About the Author:

Relationship Rescue

Those early days in a relationship are the uncomplicated ones when everything about your partner is seen through rose decorated glasses and any temperamental shortcomings are ignored in favor of those lovable features that make everything look so perfect. While doing so, we conveniently forget that it takes pains to make a long term relationship work and in the end we head towards one ultimate relationship disaster. And this is when you need to think about relationship rescue, which till date was one of the most alien concepts to you.

Relationships are intricate, and the guiding rules keep changing. It is really hard to keep up as people change, times change and situations change. When your relationship starts turning bad to worse, it doesn’t mean that you no longer love each other or it doesn’t mean that you can’t correct problems. But it does mean that you will have to reconsider some issues, and to hear to that advanced warning you got to drop the smugness, and to rescue the relationship before it’s too late.

If you consider that relationship rescue is difficult, you are wrong. Relationship rescue, in many cases isn’t too hard. Most of the relationships usually react well within a little time and effort, some understanding, a little give and take and reassurance. One can often you can trace the initial breakdown in a relationship back to lack of communication, so in looking at what you need to do to rescue a relationship communication is generally the first part of call. When you consider the consequences, the main causes why someone goes in search of guidance for their failing relationship, to rescue it and save it from final break up, most things can be traced back to prove that communication failure was the root cause.

Even unfaithfulness between partners, such as infidelity can be traced back to a communication gaps. People can spend a lot of time being unhappy in their relationship and pleading for things to get sorted out, whereas, from the other partner’s point of view everything appears alright. A general question arises as how it could happen? How can one partner so obviously see that something is wrong and the other carry on regardless, seemingly happy in the awareness that their relationship is without a flaw? At the end of the day relationships can be minefields, especially if you take your eye off the ball and most relationships struggle at some point, but the majority can be rescued if at least one of the partners recognizes there is a problem and takes action.

Relationships, especially the pong term ones, need to be esteemed, cherished and cared for. At the same time partners have to understand that relationships rarely survive without a effort to keep them alive. Relationships need intimacy, surprises, and that all too forgotten relationship time. Just because people live together it doesn’t mean to say the relationship no longer requires attention and that the partners no longer need to feel special.



By: David

About the Author:

Do you sometimes feel like food is the enemy? If you’re overweight, the odds are high that you view food with deep suspicion. But even if you’re not overweight, you might have the same dim view. Many normal weighted people do.

Defining food as the enemy can only lead to unhappiness and problems, according to obesity experts. When you think about it, it’s to your advantage to put a friendly face on food because you can’t get away from it. You need food to live. Food is energy and is the fuel that runs our bodies. Food is a necessity – without it we become ill and eventually cease to live. Wanting to eat and needing to eat is not a judgment call, it’s part of being human.

So what does a healthy relationship to food look like? You recognize you have a need for food and you feel good about filling that need. This contrasts to the food-as-enemy viewpoint where your self worth is determined by how little you eat.

You may be surprised to discover that someone with a healthy relationship to food can and does eat healthy food, but also occasionally enjoys a treat food like cake or cookies. The richer, calorie dense foods are actually enjoyed by someone with a healthy relationship to food, and they don’t put themselves down for eating it. Imagine that. It’s when the majority of our food is of the treat variety without substantial nutrition, and when the majority of our enjoyment and comfort comes from food, we’ve flipped to the unhealthy side of the spectrum.

Dr. Caroline Cederquist, bariatric physician and medical director of the Cederquist Wellness Center in Naples, Florida, points out that our relationship with food, be it healthy or not, is often determined by our body chemistry.

“A lot of people in my practice have a constellation of symptoms that we call insulin resistance,” Dr. Cederquist explains. “Insulin is the hormone that gets the blood sugar into the cells to be utilized. If someone is resistant to their own insulin, the body compensates by secreting extra insulin and the extra insulin present in the blood causes the person to change metabolically.

“Insulin aids fat storage and the more insulin you have, the better you store fat.” Dr. Cederquist points out. “I’ve always believed, and now we have scientific proof, that if you are insulin resistant or are a diabetic, you have a lowered thermic effect of food. That means if you’re insulin resistant and I’m not, if you and I eat the same meals with the same calories, I will burn more of those calories than you will.”

Dr. Cederquist explains if someone is insulin resistant and they eat a high carbohydrate meal like a bagel, the bagel is easily digested and quickly turns to sugar. Insulin is then secreted in over abundance. This causes a sharp rise in blood sugar level followed by a dramatic plunge. Ravenous hunger automatically follows this cycle.

“It’s so important to know that you can’t willpower away physiological symptoms, but you can control them by eating in a helpful way,” Dr. Cederquist says. She encourages her weight loss patients to eat small amounts of protein spread throughout the day in order to stabilize blood sugar. She helps patients understand how helpful it is to be aware of the type of carbohydrates they are eating, to eat more fiber and to eat fruit rather than fruit juice in order to keep blood sugar under control.

One of the easiest ways to develop a healthy relationship to food is to eat the types of food that will keep your blood sugar steady so you avoid feeling ravenous. “If you eat sugar when you’re insulin resistant, then you’re going to crave more sugar, “ Dr. Cederquist notes. “This creates a roller coaster effect of your blood sugar level and you have less and less control over your food choices. This erodes a healthy relationship with food because when your body is on a biochemical roller coaster, you truly cannot control your food choices.”

Yet people end up putting themselves down and think they are horrible and without willpower when they feel out of control because their blood sugar fluctuates. Dr. Cederquist emphasizes that it’s not a question of being a bad person or lacking willpower, it’s a question of having a physical reaction to eating food that triggers irregularity in blood sugar levels.

Dr. Cederquist counsels not to view foods as bad or wrong, but rather to focus on foods that will benefit you. Nonetheless, even while her patients are actively losing weight she encourages them to have one meal a week when they eat everything and anything they want, including dessert. She feels it is empowering to view any food as acceptable and none as forbidden, but to keep certain foods as treats and not a regular part of your diet.

The good news is, according to Dr. Cederquist, it’s absolutely possible to develop a healthy relationship with food. She’s witnessed patients making the switch countless times. These patients are slimmer, healthier and happier as a result. Just like you can be!

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Caroline J. Cederquist, M.D. is a board certified Family Physician and a board certified Bariatric Physicians (the medical specialty of weight management). Dr. Cederquist is the founder of Bistro MD formerly Diet To Your Door, a home diet delivery program that specializes in low calorie gourmet food that is delivered to your home or office. Bistro MD serves as culmination of Dr. Cederquist’s expertise and experience in the world of medical weight loss.



By: Caroline J. Cederquist, M.D.

About the Author:

Once you have successfully happening dating, you basic to keep the tread and rhythm of dating. It is very tranquil to drop curiosity in your partner and associate versa but it is grim to keep the momentum of the relationship.

Dating is all about the fun and innovative experience with the new found worship benefit in your life. The quantity of fun and creativity keeps your relationship departure. Bring creativity into your relationship. This would forever lure your partner towards you and your relationship forever tends to halt on a high.

Do not disregard your professional commitments while dating. Your partner should think that you are idle and do not have any other do except keep a narrow vigil on her activities. The busier you are, the more time your partner would need to splurge with you. The keeps the fire of romance kindled. Also, do not deliver your older in front of her too presently. Let the dynamic of mystery always be there between both of you.

If you do not want your relationship to get alienated too quickly, carry and swear the aspect of indulge and entertainment into the happening. Laugh and make her laugh as much as promising. The keeps the relationship creative and stress open. It is your responsibility to keep your partner fortunate.

Be a serene listener. Try to person out the requirements of your partner. If a misunderstanding comes between you and your partner, listening can play a great task in mending the edgy relationship and you can get back to habitual language once again. Also, your relationship relics vibrant and the romance flows in.

Smooth and helpful communication between you and your partner is extremely critical for a healthy relationship. Do not disregard to communicate liberally with your partner once you have successfully ongoing dating.

Try to know one another better. Put in your events to make out the emotional and other requirements of one another through numerous communication. Make your partner think that you are always there for her. This will make your partner feel loved and she will always be captivated and enticed by your personality and caring condition.

Plan your special and professional life. Either of them should not fetter your emotional calm. Set your priorities first. Monetary repayment was essential for survival nowadays but do not just keep operation after the money. Try to finish some high quality time with your partner. Give sufficient time to your relationship. Quick dating gives you enough scope to consume time with one another so that both of you come to know one another better.

Nevertheless one thing is important to be discussed here. Retain your independence no count what! Being in a relationship does not mean that you overlook your family and links. Give sufficient time to your contacts so that they do not think that their long-time helper has forgotten them due to a definite relationship that he is in.

Never overlook this hard detail that in malice of all your sincere pains, something dishonest might take place anytime and you can get drifted away from your partner presently but your friends will always be there to help you out of any emergency. Hence, never forget them.

So having understood all the darkness and happy aspects of short dating, you must be fully arranged to put in your best labors to have a superb relationship with your partner. Quick dating can just establish to be the right standard of having a delightful and glorious eminent.



By: Julia Solomon

About the Author:

Have you recently ended a relationship or are you recently divorced? Are you thinking about dating again?

Many times, putting yourself back into the dating scene is a good idea. But how can you know when it is time to start a new relationship?

Here are some questions to ponder:

1. Are you fully over your last relationship, or do you still have hope of reconciliation?

If you still fantasize about getting back with your partner, then you are not truly available for another relationship. Is there really a possibility of reconciliation, or are you making up the possibility? If there really is a possibility, then it is certainly not time to date. If the relationship is really over, then you need to fully accept this before moving on to another relationship. As long as you are in denial about the relationship being over, you are not fully available for another relationship.

2. If your partner has died, do you feel ready for a new relationship?

If you had a loving relationship with your deceased partner, then any time you feel ready is fine. You already know how to have a good relationship, so there is a good chance of having another good relationship when you feel ready for it.

3. Have you fully explored your part of why your relationship ended?

When a relationship goes on the rocks, it is because each partner is contributing to the problems. It is always fairly easy to see what the other person did that caused problems, but much harder to see what you did.

It may be necessary for you to have therapeutic help in understanding your end of the relationship issues. I have been working with individuals and couples for 40 years and I have seen that people tend to repeat the same patterns in relationships over and over unless they do some healing work. Even if, at the beginning, a new relationship looks different from your other relationships, there is a good possibility that it will end up the same.

Most relationships create a system with one person being a caretaker and the other being a taker. These roles can switch in different relationships and around different issues. Unless you heal your tendencies to be a caretaker or a taker, you will continue to create relationship systems that don’t work.

Underneath all relationship dysfunction are control issues. Whether you control with anger, righteousness, blame, judgment, compliance, resistance, or withdrawal of love, until you heal the fear underlying all controlling behavior, you will continue to create relationship problems.

This does not mean that these issues need to be healed before starting a new relationship, but it does mean is that you need to be in the process of healing to have a chance at a good relationship.

4. Do you feel available for a new relationship?

Most people have two bottom-line fears when it comes to relationships: the fear of rejection and the fear of engulfment, which means the fear of losing the other or the fear of losing yourself. These are deep fears that start in childhood and may continue throughout your life, making it difficult for you to be fully emotionally available in a relationship.

These fears do not just go away. Until you develop a powerful loving adult self, you may take rejection personally and not know how to handle loss. Without a strong loving inner adult, you may allow others to control you, giving yourself up to prevent rejection.

Again, these fears do not need to be healed before starting a relationship, but unless you are in the process of healing them and continue to do healing work within a relationship, there is a good chance that you will recreate another unsuccessful relationship.

A relationship is a wonderful arena for healing and growth when both people are devoted to learning to be a strong loving adult. If you are on a devoted healing and learning path, make sure that your new partner is too!



By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d.

About the Author:

In Part 1 of this article, I discussed relationships from the point of view of how people’s energies resonated and how their energies affected a relationship. I also discussed what I call “Learning Relationships.” Please see Part 1 for this information. Let’s continue with Part 2:

Healing and Purpose-Specific Relationships

“Through Love, thorns become roses,

Vinegar becomes sweet wine,

The stake becomes a thorn,

The reverse of fortune seems good fortune,

A prison becomes a rose bower,”…

-Rumi

“The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love.”

-Hubert H. Humphrey

“Until the Real Thing Comes Along”

-Sammy Cahn

Even though I’ve focused thus far on learning relationships in which the dysfunction or problematic resonates, I’d like to add that certainly not all relationships are learning relationships and, additionally, that not all learning relationships are difficult or unpleasant. Aside from true soul mate relationships that most of us aspire to find and be involved in, there are other types of romantic relationships as well. Some of these other non-soul mate relationships may be pleasant, but don’t have a real “charge” to them, so that the people in them feel comfortable, but don’t feel inspired or really in love. The relationship may be pleasant or comfortable and non-challenging, but may also feel bland. I have seen several clients in relationships like this and have found that there is usually a purpose that this type of relationship serves.

One of the purposes for relationships such as this is to provide a healing aspect or soothing or comforting experience for those involved in the relationship. In other words, one or both of the people involved may have been through a particularly difficult or draining relationship or experience, or even a series of such relationships, and the pleasant but bland relationship affords him/her the opportunity to heal from the other relationship(s). This type of relationship, the healing relationship, thus represents a relationship that affords R and R (rest and relaxation). This gives those involved the opportunity to be in a romantic relationship at the same time that they are healing from the draining relationship or experience, rather than attempting to recoup while alone.

I have further seen other positive relationships, which, even though they are still not the true, partner relationship, serve the purpose of “introducing” a person to the qualities and dynamics of a good relationship, while also allowing him/her to re-pattern his/her normal mode of relating. This may be the first positive relationship a person has ever been in, and the situation allows the person to experience the dynamics of a healthy relationship for the first time, while also sometimes gaining practice being in a good and non-dysfunctional intimate relating situation. Thus, re-patterning relationships such as this, even though they’re not with the true soul mate, serve as a mechanism by which one can re-pattern his/her traditional (and often unhealthy) role in a relationship and can learn instead to play a healthier role and experience more positive dynamics.

Another type of positive, but non-soul mate, relationship occurs when two people are going through similar things or are working (either growth-wise or career-wise) on similar issues. In other words, they are paralleling each other in some way with regard to growth or experience. This type of relationship, the paralleling relationship, affords them support, whether explicit, through mutual discussion of what they’re each going through, or implicit, through an unconscious awareness of their shared experiences, as well as insight on the shared issue(s) they’re going through, as they share experiences with each other. Paralleling relationships can subtly give those in them energy, instead of their being in a difficult learning relationship that could drain their energy.

Some relationships may represent a combination of some of these types of relationships. As you can see from these pleasant, but non-soul mate types of situations, relationships will generally come into existence for a reason, whether we’re aware at the time of what that reason may be or not.

In addition, I have also seen people in non-soul mate or -partner relationships for more mundane reasons. They may have a rational, rather than emotional, reason for being in a certain relationship and may decide to be in the relationship out of a rational motivation. In other words, the mind may be engaged in the relationship, but not the heart. This could be, for example, because the person feels that he or she is ready to get married and/or wants children and just looks for someone to marry. I’ve seen some clients come up with a laundry list of what they want in a marriage partner, based upon external or superficial considerations (e.g., makes a certain income, is a certain height, drives a certain car, lives in a certain type of house, even how they look as a couple to others), rather than what the person is really like either on the inside or in habits or personality traits – or even how they feel about them. I have even seen some clients make a decision to marry someone because that person had one attribute that they wanted in a mate (for instance, a calm and steady temperament), irrespective of the fact that they really felt no emotional connection to or love for their future partner. This type of consideration is often a recipe for a future failed relationship, especially when the emotional component is lacking and there is, in its place, a preference for the rational and feeling-less element in the decision-making process.

I have also seen some clients decide to enter into — and doggedly stay in — relationships for financial security, although this motivation may be understandable for women in a society that has traditionally undervalued women economically. Whether one can stay permanently in such relationships depends upon the person and his/her priorities. However, I have often seen clients in relationships such as this who were miserable and whose hearts were crying out for true resonance and connection. The lessons in these relationships may have to do with independence, going to a deeper level, being true to oneself, or any number of other realizations.

Soul Agreements

The highest compact we can make with our fellow is, — “Let there be truth between us two forevermore.”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

As I continued to explore different types of relationships, I started to question how they came about, especially the major learning ones in which the experiences may have been so unpleasant and the corresponding lessons gained so profound that it felt that there had to be a reason, or mechanism, behind the two people coming together in such a fashion — a reason or mechanism that existed on a higher level than just the “pull” (sexual, emotional, conundrum, or whatever) that was felt on this three-dimensional level. In other words, I felt that there had to be some additional, invisible factor bringing this type of situation about, other than two people whose stuff fit together so intricately and perfectly just meeting each other by chance or randomly — a factor that existed perhaps on a higher level. As I started to ask for insight about this, I began to get information on what I now call “soul agreements.”

A “soul agreement” is an agreement made between souls while not in body (i.e., before the lifetime that the agreement is about) to encounter each other in a lifetime, interact (whether in a romantic, familial, friendship, work, or other type of way), and affect each other in some fashion, usually for learning, sharing, supporting, or otherwise stimulating each other’s growth or unfolding. As with difficult learning relationships, the soul agreement may be to stimulate each other’s working on his/her inauthentic stuff.

There are many different types of soul agreements. For example, some soul agreements exist for just one specific lifetime. I have seen other soul agreements that ran through several lifetimes. I have seen both soul agreements that are for a very specific purpose (as a case in point, that the people involved will meet at a specific time in their lives to accomplish a specific thing) and others that are for more general purposes (for example, that the people involved will have a lifelong acquaintance with each other that is pleasant and mutually beneficial). I have seen soul agreements in which the souls have agreed to always interact throughout lifetimes for the same purpose or lesson and others in which the souls always interact, but the way in which it is expressed and the purpose it serves may vary from one lifetime to another. To illustrate this point, some souls may agree to always interact in an antagonistic way to stimulate each other’s growth, while others may vary the qualitative feel of the interaction over lifetimes, experiencing a congenial connection in some lifetimes and a more abrasive or antagonistic connection in others.

Hence soul agreements are made in the non-corporeal state when we choose and plan our lives and represent a behind-the-scenes factor for our involvement and interaction with others in the here and now, and, because they are mutual agreements on the soul level, there is no “blame” or judgment attached to the interactions, even if they are negative or unpleasant in any way.



By: Diane Brandon

About the Author: