There it was.  I knew it.  The headline from some International Society of International Relationship-a-torial Think Tank of America, Inc…or something like that.  “Marital strife and other bad personal relationships can raise your risk for heart disease.”  Sweet!  I knew I was going to die if I stayed in that relationship another microsecond.  Good thing it is kapooey!

OK, a bit dramatic, I must admit, but there have been some studies as of late that have shown an increasing correlation between a bad relationship and overall health.  I guess when she says, “You make me sick,” she just might mean it.  I guess we just have to evaluate everything with a critical eye, and that includes our relationships.

I know what you are saying…”What about the love?”  That’s all well and good, but as someone who has just come from a horrendous relationship, I had to take some time and step back and really look at all aspects of that, and all, of my relationships.  I have been in some bad relationships, I must admit, and so I have been on a personal trek to discover what is it about myself in a relationship that I sometimes struggle with?

Yes, it is never the relationship but the people involved in it.  A relationship just is.  So in my reading and analyzing, I have found some pretty amazing realizations that I knew but never really thought about because of that darned thing called “Love.”  Damn, love…it can so mess you up.

But here is the long and short of it all.  Love is that initial response that propels you forward, I believe, to find that deeper, more concrete emotion of deep commitment and overall gratitude for that other person.  Trust me, I don’t talk with any authority of some type of degree behind my name, just a thirst of knowledge that drove me to some obvious conclusions.

So, what of the Relationship Expectations? 

There sees to be a couple of schools of thought concerning Expectations from a Relationship standpoint.  They stem from the needs you bring into a Relationship, meaning, those things that you expect your partner to fulfill in you and communication of those needs overall.

Everyone has needs, in this there is no doubt, but how we communicate those needs to our partner is where many of us have fallen down.  Have you often seen a couple that you wondered, “How did he get her or him and what is it that they have in common?  They just don’t look like they belong together.”  I know I have and since I am a curious type and like to write on the everyday happenings in life, I decided to ask a couple that fit that very bill.

In this case, the man didn’t look like he belonged with the lady and, no, he wasn’t rich.  I inquired as to what she saw in him and got from the relationship, it came down to the trust of his vision in her.  When I asked what that meant, she said that early on, he had communicated to her his needs in the relationship that seemed very honest and that he has not changed from that original premise.  She went on to tell me that it was refreshing with her that he never found it necessary to play any games as far as his needs went and she didn’t get invested in the relationship and then find that he was different as far what he wanted later.

The man, went on to say that the tact had often cost him relationships, that he was sure of, but he knew that if he stayed true to his principles that he would eventually find his dream relationship. 

As far as I could tell, he had.

Relationships are a complicate being, and sometimes, I swear, I am better off with my cat.  I will persevere as I know that the learning never stops.  I encourage you to do the same.  If you have had one or one hundred bad relationships, keep at it. 

When Thomas Edison was creating the light bulb and had failed 1000 times, he was quoted as saying, “I have not failed 1,000 times.  I have successfully discovered 1,000 ways to NOT make a light bulb.”

Don’t worry, your “Light Bulb” is out there.  Just remember to communicate your vision of your needs as best you can.



By: DA Southern

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Relationships can benefit from a good ’spring cleaning.’ It gets rid of the clutter.

Why not toss out things you’ve been stockpiling? You could chuck misunderstandings. Hurl your hurt feelings. Donate anger and resentments.

Even small misunderstandings will lead to hurt feelings. Someone says or does something (or neglects to say or do it.) The other person takes it personally. Feelings get hurt. Anger takes over. Before you know it, resentment begins to creep into every nook and cranny.

And your relationship gets de-railed.

This is exactly what happened between Allison and Terry. Allison found herself getting upset whenever Terry came home later than agreed upon.

Allison would worry and the anxiety would build. By the time Terry walked through the door, she blasted all of her stockpiled fury. Right between the eyes. She recited a litany of all the times it happened.

Even when Terry attempted to call if he was running late, Allison acted hurt. Even when he made sincere attempts to arrive at the agreed upon time, Allison acted as if he was behaving badly yet again.

Finally she gathered the courage to talk with Terry directly, honestly and sincerely. She told him how hurt and disrespected she felt each time he was late.

When she put words to her feelings Allison began clearing out her built up resentment. She discovered space was opening up. Enough space where she and Terry could bring positive feelings, respect and energy back into their relationship.

Think for a moment about how much space resentment takes up. Sometimes there is barely room for connection or intimacy.

Clearing out resentments creates the space we need to renew respect and get back on track.

This goes for work relationships too. The roadblocks to successful relationships are the same: Feeling rejected or the fear of rejection. Feeling misunderstood, disappointed and not appreciated.

A key to productive relationships is mutual respect. Sure, we all have style differences. However we don’t have to let this lead to relationship problems.

Instead of feeling threatened by differences, why not create space to honor them? Why not make an effort to respect others even though they may think or act differently than you do?

Feeling accepted and respected by others is vital to productive work and personal relationships. But what if you don’t feel this acceptance? Non-acceptance feels like disrespect. In other words we tend to translate feeling ‘dissed’ translates into feeling rejected.

It’s especially painful to feel dismissed or discounted or dispensable. Rejection hurts. We tend to collect these kinds of hurts. We pile it into containers. We store it up in the form of resentments.

So how can you get your relationship back on the respect track?

Here’s a tip that works for both personal and professional relationships: Rather than continuing to be put off by your partner’s or co-worker’s ‘ways’, try to find something you really respect about them. Granted this may be a whole lot harder with someone at work.

Do appreciate their smile, intelligence or sense of humor? What about their taste in clothes or colors? Once you can do that, try to focus in on this characteristic while you are talking with them.

When they see respect in your eyes they just might respond in kind. You’ll be amazed at how quickly the situation can change for the better.

You may even notice some respect coming right back at you!



By: Elayne Savage

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